Male Bonding2
For those who like to explore the concept and dynamics of male bonding. Men are socialized in different ways in different societies, and so many men would like to have close male friendships, yet after spending time establishing a career, primary relationship and live in general, find themselves without close male friends. Many of us want male friends with whom we can share openly without...
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Questions as I start massage school
Return to DiscussionsI've applied to massage school for later this year, and am studying up and trying to think things out. I hope to do volunteer work with the elderly, and some work in a barn/gazebo/studio space here on the farm. For the work here, I am prepared to say up front that this is a clothing-optional household, and that massage visitors may request conventional dress and draping, or not, as they like. But draping is really kind of obnoxious, and I'd rather develop a style that does without it - partly because clients who are comfortable without draping are more likely to be people I'd like to know, and partly because I think draping is truly a negative - reinforcing an unbalanced sense of the body as divided clean/dirty, legitimate/illicit, pure/sexual, which I would rather not opt into.
But that's a hard one, because the division is so built in to expectations and the language around massage. "Full body", "tantric", "sensual" are all going to be taken as code for masturbate-you-on-the-table, which of course unbalances the session. No other body part or function will be worked on with that same level of energy, and the post-orgasmic refractory period means that the address to sexual energies comes last, and draws focus away from the rest of the body throughout the session. "Legitimate" and "non-sexual" are taken as negatives, distancing the practitioner from some of the body's most important energies and raising the potential for disapproval if those energies are manifest in any way.
In my life as an amateur human being, I have often been able to manage that kind of contact - open to the whole body, but not turning on the race-to-the-finish switch. It think there's a talent there that I can use. One strategy that has occurred to me, if someone has begun to focus strongly on one chakra, is to take a break from muscle/lymphatic work and do a bit of chakra balancing, starting with the heart and working down (the root chakra goes to the toes), then back to the heart and working up - touching and honoring the whole body, and leading back to the spirit.
Anyway... does any of this make sense? Does the approach seem as if it might be valuable? Any suggestions about how to manage expectations around the approach?
Personally, I don't consider "non-sexual" to be a negative. It is a clear statement of a fact, so there is no confusion for the people who are seeking a "happy ending" massage (which I think is a really unfortunate misapropriation of a term--a good massage is fulfilling, period). But we all know what it means.
Just develop a massage practice in line with your values and express clearly what you will be doing and then do it. If you are competent to evaluate whether somebody is overly attentive to some spot then explain why you are moving to a different area. Some people will use the help and some won't return. I would love a massage therapist who is comfortable without draping but who isn't making it a sexual massage.
Good luck with the new adventure.
I have never had a massage and this whole conversation as to what is acceptable and what isn't. and how to do it and what to expect is why I haven't even considered having a massage.
I am comfortable being nude. I am comfortable being nude on a table with someone giving me a massage. How my body will react to be being touched so intimately, I have no idea. I think for me, to go for a massage, I would want to know exactly what to expect. I want to know what will be massaged and why. I am not good with surprises. As for my genitals being massaged, I would be good with or without that, I just need to know ahead of time and that it is part of a massage and not something to just get me off or turn on the person giving the massage.
Every male on the planet knows what happens when your genitals are massaged, and we also know the benefits of it in that it can totally relax a person. If the massage is done with that as a goal, to totally relax me, relieving me of stress. I can understand and accept it as a professional part of the massage. If it is to turn me on, and the person giving the massage to lead to other things, sexual, then no, I wouldn't want any part of it.
So that is why, I haven't had a massage. How do you talk to someone who is going to be rubbing your entire body, what their motive is? So I am thinking, if you make it known upfront what your massage will entail and why you will be massaging in this particular way then your clientele will be more comfortable and maybe even increase with people such as me, that want to know upfront what is going to happen and why.
I would agree with those that have already responded. I have not had a massage from anyone outside of a shoulder massage from friends. But, if I were to look at going to get a massage from somewhere, I would want them to be very open about what they were going to massage and how it should affect my body. That way, you could be up front about what your business is or is not. That's what business is really all about anyway, regardless of the product or service. If Apple started making pizza instead of technology products, I'm sure they would go out of business real fast if they weren't open about the new change.
Our US society tends to focus on genitals to our detriment. We to tend to go for either make it either a hyper-sexualized all cock and balls or a repressive hide the junk issue.
State laws determine draping for certified massage therapists. In Illinois, a therapist can lose their license for giving a person with exposed genitals a massage and is thereby required to do an awkward draping dance which takes away from the experience for both the giver and receiver. Setting appropriate boundaries regarding sensual massage is a challenge.
My suggestions:
1) Follow state laws to keep your license with people you dont know and trust well.
2) Keep your shorts on so the experience is focused on the massagee (which I find hard since I give better massages naked).
3) Focus on white tantra (non-genital), doing energy work with chakras, making it clear that erections are a boring normal sign of cardio health.
4) Ask for permission and be comfortable touching cock and balls for repositioning but not massage or stimulation
5) Do an all done signal (such as pressing hands over body) and then give the man the option of masturbating himself for a good release without you at the table (or privacy if he prefers).
This should help you let your massage clients focus on being both nude and happy.
Hawaii requires that therapists be taught draping techniques, but has no requirement for draping, no foot-on-the-floor rule, no rule about what you can touch, or any of that. It requires practitioners to follow standard of care, essentially the AMTA code of ethics, which calls for no sexual conduct or sexual activity in the course of a massage session. It recognizes that Eastern and Hawaiian lomi-lomi massage communities have their own standards, and has not really tried to define what they are.
Well, I'm kinda started. School is still five weeks away, but I thought to reach out for practice bodies, while I can still do that informally, without licensing implications. I placed a Craigslist strictly-plantonic ad, with a clothed photo of myself standing behind a massage table, the necessary boxes ticked to identify myself as a 67-year-old married gay man, and the following:
"Massage student seeking practice bodies
"I'm beginning massage school, and looking for people to work with as I learn the basics. I'm several months from the "student massage" level - there is no fee; I ask only for your feedback. Work will be done on our Honaunau farm. This is a clothing-optional household, but we will use conventional dress and draping unless you prefer otherwise (let me know.) I don't need to know your age or gender or orientation, or to see a photograph of your body, but only to know that you are not pregnant or otherwise fragile, and of thin to medium build. I will want to talk on the phone (6am-6pm), and exchange full names, before you come. Open to one-time or continuing sessions."
Unsurprisingly nearly all the responses have come from men. Of course I knew ahead of time that mentioning optional draping would further skew the nature of the responses, but I thought I'd give it a shot. I've so far had one good session, three missed appointments, and a couple of straight-ish guys who mostly seemed to want to share sexual concerns online or on the phone. It's important to me that all the interactions around my practice be affirmative and helpful, even if the person never schedules, and it's as steep a learning curve as memorizing muscle names. I've tried a couple of things - in response to the "what if I get aroused" query, to say that it's not a concern, but that it won't change the course of the massage. In response to sexual fantasies / concerns, to say that a fair amount of sexual need is really a need for touch, which is what I have to offer, and it doesn't feel helpful to me to have sexual conversations at the keyboard.
One fellow who came asked if I had considered tantric massage - I told him I had, and was not prepared to take it up. Aside from its ambiguous legality, it seems to me that I should devote myself for now to the Swedish / Essalen conventional massage I have signed up to learn - one should learn to draw before considering painting. There's time to think about that later.
That's where I am now. Any comments, feedback, and suggestions are welcome.
Steve
This conversation unfortunately reminds me of a comment made about the Irish (and being of Irish heritage the joke is on me)
It is said that if you have five Irishmen in a room and ask a question you will probably get seven totally different answers.
To my mind the simple fact that you are looking at the options is important. To a large extent there is no single right answer.
I am not a masseur
But regularly have a massage
So I will simply comment from my own experience having had a whole range of massages
Personally when both are nude just seems more relaxing. None of the rubbish about moving bits of fabric around. Being nude does not of itself mean a person is seeking a happy endeding
I think it is much more important to
Move slowly in terms of understanding your client. Things change as both come to know each other better. If the masseur listens and observes, then over time (and by that I mean many sessions) the masseur will get to know and respond to what is appropriate on any one particular occasion.
So getting to know your client is important
Just my 20cents worth
Mike
I think I could give seven answers myself - my sense of how my practice will go changes with every practice session and with every comment. At this point I'm browsing ideas the same way I'm browsing the texts, just trying to be prepared so that I can get the most out of school. I'm really looking forward to it. A bit scary, of course - it's been decades since I last sat in a classroom, or took a test. But it's good to take on the challenge.