Male Bonding2
For those who like to explore the concept and dynamics of male bonding. Men are socialized in different ways in different societies, and so many men would like to have close male friendships, yet after spending time establishing a career, primary relationship and live in general, find themselves without close male friends. Many of us want male friends with whom we can share openly without...
- created by AZdesertman
Male Bonding and Significant Others
Return to DiscussionsI am curious to the groups experiences with male bonding and
significant others. Doesn't matter if you are single/married
hetero/homo or if the other guy is homo/hetero, I would really be
interested in hearing your experiences. Have the significant others
helped, hindered, or had no real effect on your male friendships?
If you are in the USA, I would be particularly interested - even
though I grew up in the US, basically all of my adult life was in
Germany and let me tell you - friendship in general in the US can
be quite different!
I have had mixed experiences with significant others, but generally
as a single bisexual male I would say it has been more challenging
for me. In one friendship (FWOB) the wife had problems with
him carving out time to develop a friendship (but then, they did
drive each other crazy being together all the time, go figure).
In terms of MM couples, this seems to have a totally different
dynamic. Sometimes things work out great or sometimes one guy gets
super jealous even if it is a FWOB relationship over something as
small as a mutual affinity for card games.
On the other hand, last year I did make one good friend since
moving. I only have a friendship (FWB) with one of the two guys
(two married guys) though I have met both of them. It enriches my
friend's life and I guess it gives them something to talk
about.
Thanks in advance for the comments!
Deutscher drfen auf Deutsch antworten, ich vermisse die Sprache sehr!.
As a member of a MM couple, I have to say it's kind of tricky, and an issue we're still figuring out after 18 years together. Most of our friends are mutual (as far as I know), though we have friends that are closer to one of us than the other. Neither of us have too many friends that are exclusive to one and not the other, and perhaps none that the other doesn't know about. I have some acquaintances that I would like to get to know better, but my partner is not so keen on. It can be an awkward situation. I have learned over the years that it's much better to face the issues directly and talk with my partner than do anything on the DL (either platonic or a FWB situation). Eventually, he finds out, and then there's a lot of hurt to work through.
When my partner died in 1997, I realized fairly quickly that all of our friends had really been his friends, and found myself quite alone. I met my husband in '98, and have tried to be conscious about building and maintaining friendships during our relationship - without clear success.
It's generally more congenial to have friends we both get along with. His and my lives are very intertwined, and we are generally together. Sometimes we have been able to acknowledge that a person is really more his friend, or more mine. But I tend to be quiet in groups, and when we are all together, even with people who are in the more-my-friend category, he tends to dominate the conversation and set the agenda.
I've had the experience a couple of times of finding myself alone with one of these mutual friends whom we have known for years, getting into a conversation, and having the friend note to me that we have never really talked before.
I have shared some aspects of this concern with my husband - please don't veto a suggestion I make before the friend has had a chance to respond, please accept that I will sometimes invite someone to our house without prior negotiation. He seems to understand. He will occasionally say that if a friend wants to talk, for example, politics, they should have that conversation with me. But then there's no space to do it. Let alone the quiet, sustained, personal sort of conversation I crave.
This is a pattern in my life, and I have to own that. I may simply not have some of the skills - nonverbal mirroring, for example - that it takes to have an effective social presence.
My use of online sites like this one is, quite consciously, practice in something like social interaction, and has been helpful. I'm a real in-my-skin person, and online is definitely no substitute for being there.
My massage study, just now completed, is another effort to build a skill to reach out with. But even with that, my husband has now revived his own past massage practice and we now seem to have the same slightly competitive dynamic there that we do in conversations.
I reply as a single man who has had varying degrees of success with coupled friends. Most of my closest male friends are coupled but often I became close friends with one when they were single and then we worked on a mutual friendship. Never was a FWB situation tho. I will say that I have had a difficult time establishing friendships with men already coupled. (I do have a few, which I am grateful for). I think that many couples don't want singles as friends. One hears about widows suddenly being excluded from their former social circle, sort of the same thing. Partners feeling threatened.
When I observe my straight married siblings I see a really mature attitude. They all have same sex friends who they cherish, enjoy time with, etc. Very little jealousy. Maybe it's just me or the sensibilities of people where I live.