A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
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A husband said to his wife, No, Idon'thate your relatives.
In fact, I like YOUR mother-in-law better than I like mine!
A husband said to his wife, No, Idon'thate your relatives.
In fact, I like YOUR mother-in-law better than I like mine!
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The clock fell off the wall. If it was a minute sooner, it would have hit my mother-in-law. That clock was always slow!
The clock fell off the wall. If it was a minute sooner, it would have hit my mother-in-law.
That clock was always slow!
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Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water.
Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up.
The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her.
I'll give you a hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into the water.
In ten powerful strokes he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.
Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"
The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife.
But this is my Mother-In-Law."
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water.
Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up.
The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her.
I'll give you a hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into the water.
In ten powerful strokes he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.
Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"
The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife.
But this is my Mother-In-Law."
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"
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One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down there."
He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?"
"No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."
One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down there."He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?""No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
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Pat is not feeling very well and he decides to go to a doctor.
While he is waiting in the doctor's reception room, a nun comes out of the doctor's office. She looks very ashen, drawn and haggard.
Pat goes into the doctor's office and says to the doctor: "I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman look worse."
The doctor says: "I just told her that she is pregnant."
Pat exclaims: "Oh my, is she?"
The doctor responds: "No, but it sure cured her hiccups."
Pat is not feeling very well and he decides to go to a doctor.While he is waiting in the doctor's reception room, a nun comes out of the doctor's office. She looks very ashen, drawn and haggard.Pat goes into the doctor's office and says to the doctor: "I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman look worse."The doctor says: "I just told her that she is pregnant."Pat exclaims: "Oh my, is she?"The doctor responds: "No, but it sure cured her hiccups."
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A blonde has sharp pains in her side. The doctor examines her and says,"You have acute appendicitis."The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."
A blonde has sharp pains in her side. The doctor examines her and says,"You have acute appendicitis."The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."
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A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."
After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.
"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."
A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'mbeautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss."I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."
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What's the difference between a teacher, a nurse, and a flight attendant in bed?
The teacher will tell you, "I'm gonna teach you how to do it and then we'll going to go over and over it untill we get it right."The nurse will say, "I'm gonna do it slowly and I promise it's not going to hurt."And the flight attendant will tell you. "Put it over your nose and mouth and continue to breath normally."
What's the difference between a teacher, a nurse, and a flight attendant in bed?
The teacher will tell you, "I'm gonna teach you how to do it and then we'll going to go over and over it untill we get it right."The nurse will say, "I'm gonna do it slowly and I promise it's not going to hurt."And the flight attendant will tell you. "Put it over your nose and mouth and continue to breath normally."
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Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said:
"First Question: Which tire was flat?
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