One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," She replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
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A man was driving through Oklahoma when he was pulled over by one of the local officers.
He man asked, "What did you stop me for?"
The officer replied, "You failed to stop at the stop sign."
The man answered, "I slowed down, didn't I?"
"Yes," the officer admitted.
"Well, slow down, stop, same thing." the man rebutted.
At that point the officer pulled his night stick out and started hitting the man over the head. "Now, tell me, do you want me to stop or slow down"
A man was driving through Oklahoma when he was pulled over by one of the local officers.
He man asked, "What did you stop me for?"
The officer replied, "You failed to stop at the stop sign."
The man answered, "I slowed down, didn't I?"
"Yes," the officer admitted.
"Well, slow down, stop, same thing." the man rebutted.
At that point the officer pulled his night stick out and started hitting the man over the head.
"Now, tell me, do you want me to stop or slow down"
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1st Officer: "Guess who I pulled over in a traffic stop the other day?"
2nd Officer: "Who?"
1st Officer: "Janet Jackson!"
2nd Officer: "What she do, was she speeding?"
1st Officer: "Nah, she had one headlight out."
1st Officer: "Guess who I pulled over in a traffic stop the other day?"
2nd Officer: "Who?"
1st Officer: "Janet Jackson!"
2nd Officer: "What she do, was she speeding?"
1st Officer: "Nah, she had one headlight out."
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First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having
one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky
that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to
put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."
Janet responded. "Just because I am considered ugly, doesn't mean
I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."
Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?"
Janet: "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass
at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest,
fart I can." And believe me, that takes the wind out of his sails, so
to speak!
Hillary was impressed and thank the General for her sage advice and
hurried home.
Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when
Hillary headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew
that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts
all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and
forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.
Bill rolls over and says, "Is that you Janet?."
Two men saw a sign outside of a gas station: "Fill up to enter our contest & win free sex!"
They filled up their tank and went inside to pay.
"How do we enter?" asked the first man.
"Well, I'm thinking of a number between one and 10," said the attendant. "If you guess right, you win free sex."
"OK, I guess seven, " said the first man.
"Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."
The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.
"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between one and 10. If you guess right, you win free sex."
"Two" said the second man
"Sorry, I was thinking of three," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."
As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man "I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."
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Man goes to hotel bar knowing flight crews stay there. His goal is to pick up on Flight Attendants. So he doesn't sound like a dork asking if each pretty girl is a Flight Attendant he decides to do it this way. He walks up to a pretty girl and recites a famous airline slogan and if the girl recognizes it he knows he has found himself a Flight Attendant. So he approaches the first pretty girl and says "We love to fly and it shows." When he was met with a blank stare he moved on. To girl number two he says " The only way to fly". She too looks equally confused so he tries a third time. To girl number three he says "Work Hard - Fly right". the girl looked him straight in the eye and said "Hey dumbshit, what in the hell do you want and why are you acting so stupid?" Ahhh, he thinks to himself, I have found myself an American Airlines Flight Attendant.
Man goes to hotel bar knowing flight crews stay there. His goal is to pick up on Flight Attendants. So he doesn't sound like a dork asking if each pretty girl is a Flight Attendant he decides to do it this way. He walks up to a pretty girl and recites a famous airline slogan and if the girl recognizes it he knows he has found himself a Flight Attendant. So he approaches the first pretty girl and says "We love to fly and it shows." When he was met with a blank stare he moved on. To girl number two he says " The only way to fly". She too looks equally confused so he tries a third time. To girl number three he says "Work Hard - Fly right". the girl looked him straight in the eye and said "Hey dumbshit, what in the hell do you want and why are you acting so stupid?" Ahhh, he thinks to himself, I have found myself an American Airlines Flight Attendant
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A couple just moved into hotel. And the hotel clerk asks the
man after helping him with his luggage.
Anything else?
NO, thanks,
Maybe, your wife needs something?
Oh, yeah. Thank you for your reminder. Do you sell postcards?
A couple just moved into hotel. And the hotel clerk asks the
man after helping him with his luggage.
Anything else?
NO, thanks,
Maybe, your wife needs something?
Oh, yeah. Thank you for your reminder. Do you sell postcards?
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A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
==================================================================
A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"
A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"
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When a reporter asked Bush what he thought about his first hundred days in office he replied "Has it been a year already?
Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old.
They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop" Arnold asked?
"Not very likely", his wife said." It's worth a try", Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.
With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop. Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are"!
"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time".
The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday", he said calmly.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger said sex isn't as good as it used to be. Guess it really is hard to find good help these days.
Arnold Schwarzenegger said sex isn't as good as it used to be. Guess it really is hard to find good help these days.
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Fred and Ethel had been married for 20 years, but Ethel had finally gotten sick and tired of one of Fred's strange habits.
Every time they had sex, Fred insisted on shutting off the lights. After 20 years Ethel felt this was ridiculous, and figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw Fred was using a battery-operated pleasure device -- a vibrator!
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him. "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
"I'll explain the toy," Fred says, looking her straight in the eyes, "if you explain the kids."
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