The bus driver announces that smoking is prohibited and punishable by a fine of several hundred dollars.
Suddenly, a baby starts crying.
"Come on kid," the bus driver said "you're only 6 months old, you can make it without cigarettes."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once an engineer was driving in a ranch and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
Oh, about $200 today, said the redneck. But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what Im out.
Engineer sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the redneck.
Here, he said, is the check for $900. Its postdated six years from now.
Once an engineer was driving in a ranch and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
Oh, about $200 today, said the redneck. But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what Im out.
Engineer sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the redneck.
Here, he said, is the check for $900. Its postdated six years from now.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a young man who went to the doctor and said that he wanted to get married, but he was worried about the small size of his member. The doctor advised him to go and stay on a farm, dip his member in milk several times a day, and have it sucked by a calf.
Some months later when they met in the street, the doctor asked, "How is your marriage?"
The young man replied, "Oh, I didn't get married, Doc. I bought the calf instead."
There was a young man who went to the doctor and said that he wanted to get married, but he was worried about the small size of his member. The doctor advised him to go and stay on a farm, dip his member in milk several times a day, and have it sucked by a calf.
Some months later when they met in the street, the doctor asked, "How is your marriage?"
The young man replied, "Oh, I didn't get married, Doc. I bought the calf instead.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was wondering why she hadnt had sex in 5 months.
So her friend told her to go and see a chinese sex doctor
When she got there he told here to take off all her clothes and crawl to the other end of the room and back.
As she was crawling back towards the doctor, he said "Oh yes... I see the problem now
"What is it", replied the woman.
"Your face look like your ass" said the doctor.
A woman was wondering why she hadn't had sex in 5 months.
So her friend told her to go and see a Chinese sex doctor
When she got there he told here to take off all her clothes and crawl to the other end of the room and back.
As she was crawling back towards the doctor, he said "Oh yes... I see the problem now."
"What is it", replied the woman.
"Your face look like your ass" said the doctor.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man and a little boy on a donkey were on their way into town. They passed by a group of people who said, "What a shame for that old man to be walking while that perfectly able-bodied boy rides that donkey." So the boy got off the donkey and the old man got on. They later passed by some more people who said," Why should that little boy have to walk when they have a donkey to ride on. So the little boy got on the donkey and they both rode it. After a while, they passed some more people. They overheard the people say, "That poor donkey must be wore out from carrying both of them." So the little boy and old man picked up the donkey and started to carry it. They were carrying the donkey across a bridge. The weight of the donkey became just too unbearable and slipped from their grasp and went over the side of the bridge into the water and drowned. The moral of the story is: If You Try To Please Everyone You'll Eventually Lose Your ASS!
An old man and a little boy on a donkey were on their way into town. They passed by a group of people who said, "What a shame for that old man to be walking while that perfectly able-bodied boy rides that donkey." So the boy got off the donkey and the old man got on. They later passed by some more people who said," Why should that little boy have to walk when they have a donkey to ride on. So the little boy got on the donkey and they both rode it. After a while, they passed some more people. They overheard the people say, "That poor donkey must be wore out from carrying both of them." So the little boy and old man picked up the donkey and started to carry it. They were carrying the donkey across a bridge. The weight of the donkey became just too unbearable and slipped from their grasp and went over the side of the bridge into the water and drowned. The moral of the story is: If You Try To Please Everyone You'll Eventually Lose Your ASS!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local newspaper read: PASTORS ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local newspaper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTORS ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back them donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is. Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.. Youll be a lot happier and live longer
A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local newspaper read: PASTORS ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local newspaper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTORS ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is. Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life.. You'll be a lot happier and live longer.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A thriving baseball club is one of the features of a boy's organization connected with a prominent church. The team was recently challenged by a rival club.
The pastor gave a special contribution of one hundred dollars to the captain, with the direction that the money should be used to buy bats, balls, gloves, or anything else that might help to win the game.
On the day of the game, the pastor was somewhat surprised to observe nothing new in the club's paraphernalia. He called the captain to him. "I don't see any new bats, or balls, or gloves," he said. "We haven't anything like that," the captain admitted. "But I gave you one hundred dollars to buy them," the pastor exclaimed.
"Well, you see," came the explanation, "you told us to spend it for bats, or balls, or gloves, or anything that we thought might help to win the game, so we gave it to the umpire."
Once upon a time there were these two confused cons walking down the railroad tracks, and the first con, thought he smelled a nasty old smell. He asked his companion,''Did you shit your pants?''
''Hell no,'' He said.
They walked a few more miles and the smell got worse. ''Did you shit your pants?''
''I swear to the God almighty I did not shit my pants,'' he said.
So they walk three more miles and the smell gets just horrible. The first con runs over and pulls down his buddies pants and says, ''I thought you said you didn't shit your pants?!''
''I didn't.'' he said. ''They're your pants.''
===================================================================
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"
Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."
"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.
"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there", answers Tom.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.
"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".
"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo".
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen a train crash."
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"
Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."
"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.
"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there", answers Tom.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.
"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".
"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo".
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen a train crash."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things -
chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was
running out of things to amuse him with.
Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"
This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, the nephew returned.
"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle. "It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"
A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things -
chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was
running out of things to amuse him with.
Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"
This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, the nephew returned.
"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle. "It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?
=================================================================
This farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time. One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him. While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died. At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer. The farmer nodded his head "yes". The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head "no. Well this other man wondered why he nodded his head "yes" to the ladies and "no" to the men. Then, he went up to the farmer and asked him why. The farmer replied, Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how pretty my wife's dress was and how pretty she looked. When the men came up, they asked, That mule for sale?'
This farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time. One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him. While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died. At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer. The farmer nodded his head "yes". The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head "no." Well this other man wondered why he nodded his head "yes" to the ladies and "no" to the men. Then, he went up to the farmer and asked him why. The farmer replied, "Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how pretty my wife's dress was and how pretty she looked." When the men came up, they asked, "That mule for sale?'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."
Actions
Back to TopicsReply to TopicShare this topic
Get paid just by sending us users/traffic.
Signup takes seconds, start now!
Signup as an affiliate!