One day, a blonde goes into a store. She gets an item and walks up to the cashier. She says,"I'd like to buy this TV".
He says,"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes".
The next day, she dyes her hair red and goes back in the store, but the same thing happens.
Finally, she shaves her head and goes back in. When she tries to buy it for the third time, the man refuses.
She says, "How the hell do you know I'm blonde?".
He replied, "First of all, that's a microwave."
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A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter.
The cashier asks, "Do you have a dog sir?
"Yes, it's at home," replies the man.
"To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy," says the cashier.
Next day the man goes places two cans of cat food on the counter.
"Do you own a cat sir?" asks the cashier.
"Yes I do, it's at home," says the man.
"Well I am sorry sir. Store policy. I must see the cat before I can sell you cat food," says the cashier.
The next day the man returns to the store and walks directly to the same cashier. He has a brown paper bag in his hand.
"Here," he says to the cashier, "put your hand in here."
The cashier puts her hand in the brown paper bag.
"It is all soft and warm," she says.
"Yes, that's right," says the man, "I need to buy two rolls of toilet paper."
A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter.
The cashier asks, "Do you have a dog sir?
"Yes, it's at home," replies the man.
"To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy," says the cashier.
Next day the man goes places two cans of cat food on the counter.
"Do you own a cat sir?" asks the cashier.
"Yes I do, it's at home," says the man.
"Well I am sorry sir. Store policy. I must see the cat before I can sell you cat food," says the cashier.
The next day the man returns to the store and walks directly to the same cashier. He has a brown paper bag in his hand.
"Here," he says to the cashier, "put your hand in here."
The cashier puts her hand in the brown paper bag.
"It is all soft and warm," she says.
"Yes, that's right," says the man, "I need to buy two rolls of toilet paper."
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There was a cat by the lake and a sausage came floating by the cat put its paw in and wet its paw.
Then a few minutes later a bigger sausage came floating by and the cat fell in.
The moral of this story the bigger the sausage the wetter the pussy.
There was a cat by the lake and a sausage came floating by the cat put its paw in and wet its paw.
Then a few minutes later a bigger sausage came floating by and the cat fell in.
The moral of this story the bigger the sausage the wetter the pussy.
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Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.Seamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan ,Cheers! 'They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.At the tenth pub Seamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'
Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.Seamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan ,Cheers! 'They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.At the tenth pub Seamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'
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A man walks into a butcher's shop and says, "Have you got a sheep's head?" The butcher replies, "No, its just the way I brush my hair."
A man walks into a butcher's shop and says, "Have you got a sheep's head?" The butcher replies, "No, its just the way I brush my hair."
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Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle.
They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.
Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce.
Dick was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti.
And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.
When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.
"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."
"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"
"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."
Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle.
They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.
Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce.
Dick was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti.
And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.
When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.
"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."
"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"
"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."
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One night, a wife is up late waiting for her husband to come home. ''Where have you been?'' she asks him when he walks in the door.
''Oh honey, you wouldn't believe it. I went to this new bar called the Golden Bar. It had gold ashtrays, gold stools, gold cups, and even a gold toilet,'' replies her husband, who is plainly drunk. The wife thinks once about it but then goes to bed.
The next day she finds the Golden Bar's phone number and calls it up. ''Hello, is this the Golden Bar?'' she asks.
''Yes, this is, ma'am,'' replies the man on the other line.
''Yes, my husband told me about your bar and I was wondering if you would answer some questions. One, do you have golden ashtrays?''
''Yes.''
''Do you have golden stools?''
''Yes.''
''Do you have golden cups?''
''Yes.''
''Do you have a golden toilet?''
There is a pause on the phone, then a couple seconds later she hears the man speak. ''Hey Jimmy,'' he calls into the bar, ''I think we found out who shit in your tuba!
One night, a wife is up late waiting for her husband to come home. ''Where have you been?'' she asks him when he walks in the door.
''Oh honey, you wouldn't believe it. I went to this new bar called the Golden Bar. It had gold ashtrays, gold stools, gold cups, and even a gold toilet,'' replies her husband, who is plainly drunk. The wife thinks once about it but then goes to bed.
The next day she finds the Golden Bar's phone number and calls it up. ''Hello, is this the Golden Bar?'' she asks.
''Yes, this is, ma'am,'' replies the man on the other line.
''Yes, my husband told me about your bar and I was wondering if you would answer some questions. One, do you have golden ashtrays?''
''Yes.''
''Do you have golden stools?''
''Yes.''
''Do you have golden cups?''
''Yes.''
''Do you have a golden toilet?''
There is a pause on the phone, then a couple seconds later she hears the man speak. ''Hey Jimmy,'' he calls into the bar, ''I think we found out who shit in your tuba!
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An elderly lady was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.
She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names'.
The elderly lady slowly shook her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 5 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.'
An elderly lady was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.
She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names'.
The elderly lady slowly shook her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 5 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.'
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A worker was called on the carpet by his supervisor for talking back to his foreman.
"Is it true that you called him a liar?
"Yes, I did."
"Did you call him stupid?"
"Yes."
"And did you call him an opinionated, egomaniac asshole?"
"No, but would you write that down so I can remember it?"
A worker was called on the carpet by his supervisor for talking back to his foreman.
"Is it true that you called him a liar?
"Yes, I did."
"Did you call him stupid?"
"Yes."
"And did you call him an opinionated, egomaniac asshole?"
"No, but would you write that down so I can remember it?"
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A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He
stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost his
cigarettes. In the middle the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack smokes," he said to
himself. He proceeded to take his hammer and flatten the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him
his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."
"Now," she said, "if only I could find my sweet little hamster."
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He
stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost his
cigarettes. In the middle the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack smokes," he said to
himself. He proceeded to take his hammer and flatten the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him
his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."
"Now," she said, "if only I could find my sweet little hamster."
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The bus driver announces that smoking is prohibited and punishable by a fine of several hundred dollars.
Suddenly, a baby starts crying.
"Come on kid," the bus driver said "you're only 6 months old, you can make it without cigarettes."
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