A little girl and her dog are walking through the forest when they suddenly fall into a pit. They scramble and scramble but can't make their way out. The little girl yells, the dog barks, but no one is around to hear their calls for help. Slowly, the night sky turns black and they find themselves engulfed in utter darkness.
Off in the distance, the wolves begin howling. Each howl is louder and closer than the last.
The little girl holds the dog close to her chest and says sadly to the dog, "This is the worst mess in which ever have found ourselves, my darling Sparky."
"Yeah," the dog says, "we're really screwed."
"Sparky," the girl says, astonished, "I didn't know you could talk."
"Well," the dog says, "I was kinda waiting for the right time to tell you."
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This guy is at a garage sale and he sees an old dog sitting there.
Above the dog, a sign reads, "Talking dog - five dollars."
So, the guy says to the dog; "Can you really talk?"
"Yes," answers the dog.
So, the man says, "That's amazing. So, what's your story, why are you being sold?"
"Well," says the dog. "I was born in the late 18th century and kind of wandered the earth by myself for awhile. It was good, I had a few puppies her and there. Then, around 1938, I met my master."
"Well, what happened from there?" Asked the man.
The dog continues, "Well, my master and I were a travelling road show until we decided to join the paratroopers to help fight the Germans in the second world war."
"You actually jumped out of the planes?" Asked the man, very intrigued.
"Oh yeah, me and my master," said the dog. "Then the war ended and we started a small bakery together and both met some women and he raised his kids. Summer of love came and we traveled around a bit. He was old, but was cool with it all. In the 70s we got involved in politics and were advisers to the carter administration until my master retired. And now, he's selling me."
"Wow," said the man. "Hang on, I'll be back."
So, the man walks up to the dogs owner and says, "Man, I can't believe you have a talking dog. That's amazing."
"Yup, it's a talking dog," says the man, in a bored tone.
"Well, I'll take him," he says, handing the man five dollars. "But, I gotta ask; why are you selling him?"
The man looks at him stoically and replies, "Cause he's a habitual liar."
This guy is at a garage sale and he sees an old dog sitting there.
Above the dog, a sign reads, "Talking dog - five dollars."
So, the guy says to the dog; "Can you really talk?"
"Yes," answers the dog.
So, the man says, "That's amazing. So, what's your story, why are you being sold?"
"Well," says the dog. "I was born in the late 18th century and kind of wandered the earth by myself for awhile. It was good, I had a few puppies her and there. Then, around 1938, I met my master."
"Well, what happened from there?" Asked the man.
The dog continues, "Well, my master and I were a travelling road show until we decided to join the paratroopers to help fight the germans in the second world war."
"You actually jumped out of the planes?" Asked the man, very intrigued.
"Oh yeah, me and my master," said the dog. "Then the war ended and we started a small bakery together and both met some women and he raised his kids. Summer of love came and we traveled around a bit. He was old, but was cool with it all. In the 70s we got involved in politics and were advisers to the carter administration until my master retired. And now, he's selling me."
"Wow," said the man. "Hang on, I'll be back."
So, the man walks up to the dogs owner and says, "Man, I can't believe you have a talking dog. That's amazing."
"Yup, it's a talking dog," says the man, in a bored tone.
"Well, I'll take him," he says, handing the man five dollars. "But, I gotta ask; why are you selling him?"
The man looks at him stoically and replies, "Cause he's a habitual liar."
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The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing
his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked
up to him
and said, "This morning when you left your house, did you close your
garage door?
"The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door,
and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished
his
paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He
then
understood his assistant's question about his "garage door."
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask,
"When my
garage
door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there? "She smiled and
said, "No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat
tires.
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, "This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?
"The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door,and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished
his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his "garage door." He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask,
"When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there? "She smiled and said, "No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.
-------------------------------------
I just got hired by a large accounting firm. Wanting to make a good first impression, I figured Id stay late my first day of work. As I was leaving, I saw the boss standing in front of the paper shredder muttering to himself. I eagerly asked him, Can I help out? He replied in frustration, My secretary is gone for the day and I have this sensitive document and cant get the machine to work. I said, No problem, let me show you how it works.
We put in the paper, and while its feeding the machine, he turns to me and says, Thanks so much, all I need is one copy!
I just got hired by a large accounting firm. Wanting to make a good first impression, I figured Id stay late my first day of work. As I was leaving, I saw the boss standing in front of the paper shredder muttering to himself. I eagerly asked him, Can I help out? He replied in frustration, My secretary is gone for the day and I have this sensitive document and cant get the machine to work. I said, No problem, let me show you how it works.
We put in the paper, and while its feeding the machine, he turns to me and says, Thanks so much, all I need is one copy!
************************************
Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday, and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say Good Morning, alone any Happy Birthday. I thought, Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember.
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, Good morning boss, Happy Birthday. And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me. I said, By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we? I said, No, I guess not. She said, Let's go to my apartment. After arriving at her apartment she said, Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.
Sure, I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing Happy Birthday and there on the couch I sat... naked.
Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday, and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say Good Morning, alone any Happy Birthday. I thought, Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, Good morning boss, Happy Birthday. And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me. I said, By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go. We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch
tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we? I said, No, I guess not. She said, Let's go to my apartment. After arriving at her apartment she said, Boss,
if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. Sure, I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and
dozens of our friends. All were singing Happy Birthday and there on the couch I sat... naked.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank.
They pumped their gas and went to pay the male attendant.
"I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex."
"Okay," agreed one of the guys, "I guess seven." "Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.
The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number. "Two!" said the second guy.
"Sorry, it's three, said the attendant. "Come back and try again."
As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week."
Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank.
They pumped their gas and went to pay the male attendant.
"I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex."
"Okay," agreed one of the guys, "I guess seven." "Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.
The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number. "Two!" said the second guy.
"Sorry, it's three, said the attendant. "Come back and try again."
As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week."
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6. Q: How do you tell the difference between a jet engine and a flight attendant?
A: The engine quits whining when you reach the gate.
Q: How do you tell the difference between a jet engine and a flight attendant?
A: The engine quits whining when you reach the gate.
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A blonde flight attendant was on her first layover, and was late for pickup the next day. The purser called her room to see if she was on her way. The blonde girl answered the phone, crying, and said, Im trapped in my room!
What do you mean, youre trapped in your room? the purser asked. Youre late for pickup, come on down.
Theres no way out, the blonde girl sobbed. There are only three doors here. One is the bathroom, one is the closet, and the other has a sign on it that says Do Not Disturb!
A blonde flight attendant was on her first layover, and was late for pickup the next day. The purser called her room to see if she was on her way. The blonde girl answered the phone, crying, and said, Im trapped in my room!
What do you mean, youre trapped in your room? the purser asked. Youre late for pickup, come on down.
Theres no way out, the blonde girl sobbed. There are only three doors here. One is the bathroom, one is the closet, and the other has a sign on it that says Do Not Disturb!
*********************************************************
A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem.
The redhead says "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?"
The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"
A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem.
The redhead says "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?"
The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"
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A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."
A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."
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There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
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