Q: What do you call nuts on your chest?
A: Chest nuts
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their nuts fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.
Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their nuts fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.
......................................................................................
Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
A: Fourmen watching a football game.
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days.
Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly,
"especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"
------------------------------------------
An Australian, visiting for the crickets, is offered a 'good time' by a delectable young lady outside Old Trafford. When they get to her flat, he asks if he can rearrange the furniture, to which she agrees.
Systematically, he removes every item of furniture from the room.
"Well Aussie", she says, "I've never done it like this before!"
"Well Sheila, I've never actually had a woman before", he says, "but if its anything like a Kangaroo, you need planty of room!"
An Australian, visiting for the crickets, is offered a 'good time' by a delectable young lady outside Old Trafford. When they get to her flat, he asks if he can rearrange the furniture, to which she agrees.
Systematically, he removes every item of furniture from the room.
"Well Aussie", she says, "I've never done it like this before!"
"Well Sheila, I've never actually had a woman before", he says, "but if its anything like a Kangaroo, you need planty of room!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a younglady in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.
Do you think shed marry me if I tell her Im 45? he asked a friend.
Your chances are better, said the friend, if you tell her youre 90.
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young lady in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.
Do you think shed marry me if I tell her Im 45? he asked a friend.
Your chances are better, said the friend, if you tell her youre 90.
----------------------------------------
A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.
He sits down in the only vacant seat that's directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles.
Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man, "What are you looking at you old fart... didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and screwed a parrot.... I thought maybe you were my son.''
A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.
He sits down in the only vacant seat that's directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles.
Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man, "What are you looking at you old fart... didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and screwed a parrot.... I thought maybe you were my son.''
;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid him, but unfortunately, the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see if anything could be done. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
The man felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man weeping on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."
The lady told the man not to worry. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She then walked over to the limp, dead animal and sprayed him thoroughly.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet later, the rabbit stopped, turned around and waved at the two again. He continued down the road, stopping every 50 feet to turn and wave.
The man was astonished. He asked the woman, "What just happened?"
The lady smiled and turned the can so that the man could read the label. It said: "'Hare Spray - Restores life to dead hare and adds permanent wave."
A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid him, but unfortunately, the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see if anything could be done. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
The man felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man weeping on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."
The lady told the man not to worry. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She then walked over to the limp, dead animal and sprayed him thoroughly.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet later, the rabbit stopped, turned around and waved at the two again. He continued down the road, stopping every 50 feet to turn and wave.
The man was astonished. He asked the woman, "What just happened?"
The lady smiled and turned the can so that the man could read the label. It said: "'Hare Spray - Restores life to dead hare and adds permanent wave."
---------------------------------------
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my, said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be a team leader, a supervisor or possibly someone in senior management."
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my, said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be a team leader, a supervisor or possibly someone in senior management."
**********************************************************************************************
A little girl and her dog are walking through the forest when they suddenly fall into a pit. They scramble and scramble but can't make their way out. The little girl yells, the dog barks, but no one is around to hear their calls for help. Slowly, the night sky turns black and they find themselves engulfed in utter darkness.
Off in the distance, the wolves begin howling. Each howl is louder and closer than the last.
The little girl holds the dog close to her chest and says sadly to the dog, "This is the worst mess in which ever have found ourselves, my darling Sparky."
"Yeah," the dog says, "we're really screwed."
"Sparky," the girl says, astonished, "I didn't know you could talk."
"Well," the dog says, "I was kinda waiting for the right time to tell you."
Actions
Back to TopicsReply to TopicShare this topic
Get paid just by sending us users/traffic.
Signup takes seconds, start now!
Signup as an affiliate!