Q: How hard is it to lose a wife?
A: Nowadays its almost impossible!
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I went to my solicitor and told him I was looking to get a divorce because my wife hadn't spoken to me in six months, he told me to think it over, "wives like that are hard to get!"
I went to my solicitor and told him I was looking to get a divorce because my wife hadn't spoken to me in six months, he told me to think it over, "wives like that are hard to get!"
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A Physician, an Engineer, and a Solicitor were discussing their professions. They were trying to determine which profession had been around the longest.
The Doctor said "Doctors were first. In the good book, it states that Eve was created from one of Adams ribs.....That required the first surgery. So Doctors were here first."
The Engineer said, "NOPE, it also said, before Adam and Eve, that God created the heavens and the earth. That required a lot of plans and engineering work, so Engineers were here first."
The Solicitor said, "SORRY GUYS, solicitors were here before all that. If you read a little closer, it says that in the beginning there was confusion."
A Physician, an Engineer, and a Solicitor were discussing their professions. They were trying to determine which profession had been around the longest.
The Doctor said "Doctors were first. In the good book, it states that Eve was created from one of Adams ribs.....That required the first surgery. So Doctors were here first."
The Engineer said, "NOPE, it also said, before Adam and Eve, that God created the heavens and the earth. That required a lot of plans and engineering work, so Engineers were here first."
The Solicitor said, "SORRY GUYS, solicitors were here before all that. If you read a little closer, it says that in the beginning there was confusion."
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Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.
Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?
Patient: I sure did - the bottle said 'keep tightly closed.'
A girl wants attention.
A Woman wants respect.
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A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly. "OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?" The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know shit?"
One Sunday a cowboy went to church.
When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.
The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said,
"Im not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, Id feed him."
So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours.
The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly,
"Well, Im not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up,
I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay.
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A Baptist Minister and a Presbyterian Minister are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Presbyterian leans over to the Baptist and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Baptist just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The Presbyterian persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you dont know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I dont know the answer, Ill pay you $5."
Again, the Baptist politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Presbyterian, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you dont know the answer you pay me $5, and if I dont know the answer, Ill pay you $50!"
This catches the Baptists attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Presbyterian asks the first question. "Whats the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Baptist doesnt say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Presbyterian.
Now, its the Baptists turn. He asks the Presbyterian "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"
The Presbyterian looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his church all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the Baptist and hands him $50. The Baptist politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.
The Presbyterian, more than a little miffed, shakes the Baptist and asks "Well, so whats the answer?"
Without a word, the Baptist reaches into his wallet, hands the Presbyterian $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
A Baptist Minister and a Presbyterian Minister are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Presbyterian leans over to the Baptist and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Baptist just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The Presbyterian persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you dont know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I dont know the answer, Ill pay you $5."
Again, the Baptist politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Presbyterian, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you dont know the answer you pay me $5, and if I dont know the answer, Ill pay you $50!"
This catches the Baptists attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Presbyterian asks the first question. "Whats the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Baptist doesnt say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Presbyterian.
Now, its the Baptists turn. He asks the Presbyterian "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"
The Presbyterian looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his church all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the Baptist and hands him $50. The Baptist politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.
The Presbyterian, more than a little miffed, shakes the Baptist and asks "Well, so whats the answer?"
Without a word, the Baptist reaches into his wallet, hands the Presbyterian $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
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The pastor of a poor Baptist church passed away and the congregation
went into town to take up a collection for the funeral.
"Would you give $5 to bury the Baptist preacher?"
"Here's $10," said the atheist, "bury two of them."
Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My father works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mother spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"
The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!"
The first kid says, "What if they try to escape
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Mrs. Bacciagalupe visits her son Anthony and his female roommate Maria.
During dinner, Momma can't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two. Reading his Momma's thoughts, Anthony volunteers, "I know what you must be thinking, but Maria and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Maria says to Anthony, "Ever since your mother visited, I haven't been able to find the silver sugar bowl. Do you think she took it?"
"I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her." He e-mails his mother: "Dear Momma, I'm not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house and I'm not saying that you didn't take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony."
Momma writes back: "Figlio mio, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now."
Mrs. Bacciagalupe visits her son Anthony and his female roommate Maria.
During dinner, Momma can't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two. Reading his Momma's thoughts, Anthony volunteers, "I know what you must be thinking, but Maria and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Maria says to Anthony, "Ever since your mother visited, I haven't been able to find the silver sugar bowl. Do you think she took it?"
"I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her." He e-mails his mother: "Dear Momma, I'm not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house and I'm not saying that you didn't take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony."
Momma writes back: "Figlio mio, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now."
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Top Ten Ways to Freak Out Your Roommate
Previous Next
10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, ''He just didn't belong.''
9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, ''The hair, it's growing. Growing!''
7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, ''Soon, soon....''
6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
5) Tell your roommate, ''I've got an important message for you.'' Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, ''Oh, yeah, I remember!'' Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, ''Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?'' Complain loudly that you are hungry.
2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, ''Hooray! You're back!'' as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, ''Shouldn't you be going somewhere?''
1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, ''No, I want to watch them suffer.'''
Top Ten Ways to Freak Out Your Roommate
Previous Next
10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, ''He just didn't belong.''
9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, ''The hair, it's growing. Growing!''
7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, ''Soon, soon....''
6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
5) Tell your roommate, ''I've got an important message for you.'' Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, ''Oh, yeah, I remember!'' Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, ''Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?'' Complain loudly that you are hungry.
2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, ''Hooray! You're back!'' as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, ''Shouldn't you be going somewhere?''
1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, ''No, I want to watch them suffer.'''
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What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?
Lots of room!
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