A guy asked a girl in a university library "Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?
The guy then responded with a loud voice, $500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy stood and whispered in her ear, "I study law, and I know how to screw people."
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A German walks into a library and asks for a book on war.
The librarian replies, "No mate, you'll lose it."
A man walks into a library and asks for a book on suffocation.
The librarian says, "Would you like a bag with that?"
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Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think a librarian is the best; everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think a librarian is the best; everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable
=============================
Two construction workers work on the 30th floor. One of them has to pee, so the other guy agrees to hold on to him while he leans out a window. Just then the dinner bell sounds and the guy who was holding the other guy runs down to get his food.
On the 20th floor he is stopped by his boss, who asks if the guy he works with is gay. "Why do you ask?" he says.
"Because a minute ago he came flying past my window with his d**k in his hand yelling, 'Where the f**k did that a**hole go?
Two construction workers work on the 30th floor. One of them has to pee, so the other guy agrees to hold on to him while he leans out a window. Just then the dinner bell sounds and the guy who was holding the other guy runs down to get his food.
On the 20th floor he is stopped by his boss, who asks if the guy he works with is gay. "Why do you ask?" he says.
"Because a minute ago he came flying past my window with his d**k in his hand yelling, 'Where the f**k did that a**hole go?
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MEMO CONCERNING MIASS
Subject: Manufacturing Information Access Software System (MIASS)
This memo is to announce the development of a new plant- wide software system. We are currently building a data warehouse that will contain all plant manufacturing data. The program is referred to as the "Manufacturing Information Access Software System" (MIASS).
Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MIASS. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MIASS.
As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person can be in MIASS at a time. This should change as MIASS expands.
Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MIASS. I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MIASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous boss, I've never put anything in MIASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MIASS.
I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MIASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MIASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MIASS.
We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MIASS. As MIASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MIASS."
This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them out of MIASS".
MEMO CONCERNING MIASS
Subject: Manufacturing Information Access Software System (MIASS)
This memo is to announce the development of a new plant- wide software system. We are currently building a data warehouse that will contain all plant manufacturing data. The program is referred to as the "Manufacturing Information Access Software System" (MIASS).
Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MIASS. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MIASS.
As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person can be in MIASS at a time. This should change as MIASS expands.
Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MIASS. I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MIASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous boss, I've never put anything in MIASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MIASS.
I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MIASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MIASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MIASS.
We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MIASS. As MIASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MIASS."
This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them out of MIASS".
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What is the difference between a good secretary &
an excellent one?
A good secretary says, "Good morning, sir."
& an excellent secretary says, "It's morning, sir."
What is the difference between a good secretary &
an excellent one?
A good secretary says, "Good morning, sir."
& an excellent secretary says, "It's morning, sir."
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How do you know if your secretary is having a bad day?
Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil
How do you know if your secretary is having a bad day?
Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil
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When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface, and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius.
The Russians used a pencil
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface, and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius.
The Russians used a pencil
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Not a joke -- An urban legend AND not true.
Firstly, NASA also used pencils.
Secondly, a ballpoint pen works just as well in zero gravity as on Earth, provided it's kept nib-down beforehand. With no gravity to draw the ink along the tube away from the nib, the cohesion of the liquid will allow the pen to work just as well.
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