Doctor, I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
"With any luck, right after it finishes college."
================================
Worried woman: 'Doctor, I think I'm pregnant.'
Doctor: 'But I gave you the Pill.'
Worried woman: 'Yes, I know. But it keeps falling out.'
Worried woman: 'Doctor, I think I'm pregnant.'
Doctor: 'But I gave you the Pill.'
Worried woman: 'Yes, I know. But it keeps falling out.'
----------------------------------
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and was blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the woman replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and was blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the woman replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."
========================
An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and his older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life.
The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours.
Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven. I smell your grandmother's strudel." "No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now." "I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a sliver?" the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.
One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed. "Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the old man plaintively queries?
"I'm very sorry, grandfather, she says you can't have any, it's for the funeral!"
An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and his older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life.
The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours.
Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven. I smell your grandmother's strudel." "No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now." "I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a sliver?" the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.
One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed. "Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the old man plaintively queries?
"I'm very sorry, grandfather, she says you can't have any, it's for the funeral!"
----------------------------------------------------------
A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"
A young lad walks up to the front desk in a hotel lobby, he hears something in the background, and suddenly turns around and ends up elbowing a beautiful woman in the breast, very apologetic, he says: "I'm terribly sorry ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, you'll forgive me..." The woman says: "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, Im in room 1221!!!"
===========================
A couple was checking out of the hotel after their honeymoon.
When the bill was presented an argument occurred.
"What is this item...$200. for meal?" inquired the groom.
"We have never eaten in your dining room. All I had was beer
in the suite, with eggs that I brought with me."
"Yes sir," replied the manager, "but the wedding package
included meals and the food was there for you. If you didn't
take them, it's not our fault."
"In that case," answered the groom, "we are even, completely
even...because you owe me $200. for making love to my wife!"
"But, I never touched your wife!" protested the manager.
"Well, she was there for you," said the groom. "If you didn't
use her, it's not my fault!!"
A couple was checking out of the hotel after their honeymoon.
When the bill was presented an argument occurred.
"What is this item...$200. for meal?" inquired the groom.
"We have never eaten in your dining room. All I had was beer
in the suite, with eggs that I brought with me."
"Yes sir," replied the manager, "but the wedding package
included meals and the food was there for you. If you didn't
take them, it's not our fault."
"In that case," answered the groom, "we are even, completely
even...because you owe me $200. for making love to my wife!"
"But, I never touched your wife!" protested the manager.
"Well, she was there for you," said the groom. "If you didn't
use her, it's not my fault!!"
------------------------------------
One day an old man and his wife were sitting in their rockers. The old man reached over and grab his wife's breast and said, ''If these produced milk, we could get rid of the cow.'' Then he reached down and grabbed between her legs and said, ''If this was a little warmer, we wouldn't need the furnace.'' The old woman reached over and grabbed his dick and said, ''If this was a little harder, I wouldn't need your brother.''
One day an old man and his wife were sitting in their rockers. The old man reached over and grab his wife's breast and said, ''If these produced milk, we could get rid of the cow.'' Then he reached down and grabbed between her legs and said, ''If this was a little warmer, we wouldn't need the furnace.'' The old woman reached over and grabbed his dick and said, ''If this was a little harder, I wouldn't need your brother.''
=============================
An old couple were out on thier 60th wedding anniversary and they decided to go to the place where they had first met.
After they had eaten the husband goes to his wife "Hey you remember that fence out back don't you?" His wife goes "Why, yes Harold thats where we first made love" Harold then goes "Well, how about we go relive the old time, eh?".
His wife agrees, and a young man nearby follows them out, intrested to see what this is gonna be like.
The old couple get to the fence, get naked and then start rocking and bucking like thier 16 years old! The young guy watches until they finally collapse off the fence and asks them in amazement "How the hell did some old-timers like you get that much stamina?!". The old man, who is still kinda dazed says "Well lets put it this way kid, 60 years ago, the damn fence wasn't electrified!"
An old couple were out on their 60th wedding anniversary and they decided to go to the place where they had first met.
After they had eaten the husband goes to his wife "Hey you remember that fence out back don't you?" His wife goes "Why, yes Harold that's where we first made love" Harold then goes "Well, how about we go relive the old time, eh?".
His wife agrees, and a young man nearby follows them out, interested to see what this is gonna be like.
The old couple get to the fence,
get naked and then start rocking and bucking like thier 16 years old!
The young guy watches until they finally collapse off the fence and asks them in amazement
"How the hell did some old-timers like you get that much stamina?!". The old man, who is still kinda dazed says
"Well lets put it this way kid, 60 years ago, the damn fence wasn't electrified.
---------------------------------------------------------
A young man walks into a supermarket and buys a bar of soap, a toothbrush, toothpaste, a loaf of bread, a container of milk, two boxes of cereal and a frozen dinner. The girl at the cash register looks at him and says "Single, huh?" The man replies very sarcastically, "How did you guess?" She replies, "because you're ugly."
A young man walks into a supermarket and buys a bar of soap, a toothbrush, toothpaste, a loaf of bread, a container of milk, two boxes of cereal and a frozen dinner. The girl at the cash register looks at him and says "Single, huh?" The man replies very sarcastically, "How did you guess?" She replies, "because you're ugly."
=========================
Father and son in supermarket.
"Dad, what are these?"
"That's a 3pack of condoms son for secondary school lads. 1 for Friday night, 1 for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday night."
"What about the 6pack dad?"
"Those are for University lads. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Satuday night and 2 for Sunday night."
"Well dad, what about the 12pack then?"
"Married men son. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March ..."
Father and son in supermarket.
"Dad, what are these?"
"That's a 3pack of condoms son for secondary school lads. 1 for Friday night, 1 for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday night."
"What about the 6pack dad?"
"Those are for University lads. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Satuday night and 2 for Sunday night."
"Well dad, what about the 12pack then?"
"Married men son. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March ..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy asked a girl in a university library "Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?
The guy then responded with a loud voice, $500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy stood and whispered in her ear, "I study law, and I know how to screw people."
Actions
Back to TopicsReply to TopicShare this topic
Get paid just by sending us users/traffic.
Signup takes seconds, start now!
Signup as an affiliate!