A husband was engrossed in a magazine while his wife was reading the newspaper. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
"Get this," she said. "Some guy put an ad in here offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmmmm," her husband mumbled, still engrossed in his magazine.
Wanting to test him, she asked, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not!" he said.
"That's so sweet," she replied. "Tell me why not."
"Heck, the season's more than half over!" he said.
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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
=====================================
Q: How do you know when a blonde is going to say something stupid?
A: She opens her mouth.
Q: How do you know when a blonde is going to say something stupid?
A: She opens her mouth.
--------------------------------------------
Q: What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?;
A: Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!
Q: What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?;
A: Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!
==============================================
A blonde and her husband are sleeping when the neighbors dog starts barks and wakes them up. The blonde sighs, shakes her fist and says 'Wait until you see what I'm going to do to those neighbors!' She runs out of the house and five minutes later she comes back with a smile on her face. The husband asks 'So, what did you do?' The blonde says 'Well, I took the dog from their yard and I put it in our yard to see how they like it having the neighbors dog barking all night.'
A blonde and her husband are sleeping when the neighbors dog starts barks and wakes them up. The blonde sighs, shakes her fist and says
'Wait until you see what I'm going to do to those neighbors!' She runs out of the house and five minutes later she comes back with a smile on her face.
The husband asks 'So, what did you do?' The blonde says
'Well, I took the dog from their yard and I put it in our yard to see how they like it having the neighbors dog barking all night.'
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This morning my neighbors dog looked at me and then said "Tell me a joke"...
I replied "No, you don't understand human jokes"
"Oh yeah, because humans are just so clever and I'm just a stupid dog?" He complained.
"Ok" I said "Knock Knock"
Then he ran off shouting "It's the door, it's the door, quick, quick, somebody is at the door" ....
This morning my neighbors dog looked at me and then said "Tell me a joke"...
I replied "No, you don't understand human jokes"
"Oh yeah, because humans are just so clever and I'm just a stupid dog?" He complained.
"Ok" I said "Knock Knock"
Then he ran off shouting "It's the door, it's the door, quick, quick, somebody is at the door" ....
===========================================
A couple just got a new house. The husband turned to his wife and ask her to go to the hardware store and get a door hinge for him. She kindly agreed and left.
When she got to the hardware store, got the hinge, and put it on the counter in fornt of the clerk. He noticed that she didn't have any screws for it, so he asked her ''Do you want a screw for that hinge?''
She looked back at him and said ''No, but I'll blow you for that toaster in the window.''
A couple just got a new house. The husband turned to his wife and ask her to go to the hardware store and get a door hinge for him. She kindly agreed and left.
When she got to the hardware store, got the hinge, and put it on the counter in fornt of the clerk. He noticed that she didn't have any screws for it, so he asked her ''Do you want a screw for that hinge?''
She looked back at him and said ''No, but I'll blow you for that toaster in the window.''
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A married couple is lying in bed one night.
The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep,
and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.
As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits.
He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some
encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him.
The husband is confused and asks, Why are you taking off your clothes? His wife replies,
You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay.
The husband says, No, not at all. His wife asks angrily, Well, what the hell were you doing then?
I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.
A married couple is lying in bed one night.
The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep,
and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.
As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits.
He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some
encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him.
The husband is confused and asks, Why are you taking off your clothes? His wife replies,
You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay.
The husband says, No, not at all. His wife asks angrily, Well, what the hell were you doing then?
I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.
==================================
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."
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Superman is getting tired of being a superhero. So, he decides to go
out and have some fun. He flies to Gotham city and asks Batman if he
wants to go with him, get drunk, and get laid. Batman says no man, I
gotta protect Gotham city, you know. So superman flies to Spiderman and
asks him if he wants to go out, get drunk, and get laid. Spiderman
also refuses by saying he has to protect the city. So Superman goes
alone. He's flying along when he sees Wonder Woman spread eagle, right
in the middle of nowhere. He thinks to himself "I'm as fast as a
speeding bullet. I'll give her a quick pop and she won't notice" So
Superman flies down, fucks her and flies back up. Wonder Woman says
"What the fuck was that?" The invisible man says, "I don't know but my
ass is really killing me..."
Superman is getting tired of being a superhero. So, he decides to go
out and have some fun. He flies to Gotham city and asks Batman if he
wants to go with him, get drunk, and get laid. Batman says no man, I
gotta protect Gotham city, you know. So superman flies to Spiderman and
asks him if he wants to go out, get drunk, and get laid. Spiderman
also refuses by saying he has to protect the city. So Superman goes
alone. He's flying along when he sees Wonder Woman spread eagle, right
in the middle of nowhere. He thinks to himself "I'm as fast as a
speeding bullet. I'll give her a quick pop and she won't notice" So
Superman flies down, fucks her and flies back up. Wonder Woman says
"What the fuck was that?" The invisible man says, "I don't know but my
ass is really killing me..."
==========================
After marrying a young woman, a 90-year-old man told his doctor that they were expecting a baby.
"Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he brought an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged at him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot."
"Impossible!" the Old Man said "Somebody else must have shot that bear."
"Exactly," replied the doctor.
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