A guy walks into a bar and demands to know "Who's the strongest in here?"
The toughest guy looks at him and says "I am the strongest around here!"
The other guy politely asks "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"
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A guy walks into a bar and sets down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked.
"No." was the reply. A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of his leg.
"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" the man said indignantly. "That's not my dog." was the answer..
A guy walks into a bar and sets down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked.
"No." was the reply. A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of his leg.
"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" the man said indignantly. "That's not my dog." was the answer..
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Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the "Chrysler Beagle"?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the "Chrysler Beagle"?
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A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. The religious man prayed every single day and night, spending much time at church, while the atheist never even thought of such acts.
However, the atheist's had a good life. An excellent, well-payed job, and a beautiful wife, lovely, healthy, children, whereas the religious man's job was stressful and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day ,and his kids were obnoxious, and non loving.
So one day, while deep into his regular prayer, he looked towards heaven and asked, "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"
A great voice bellowed out from above, "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"
A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. The religious man prayed every single day and night, spending much time at church, while the atheist never even thought of such acts.
However, the atheist's had a good life. An excellent, well-payed job, and a beautiful wife, lovely, healthy, children, whereas the religious man's job was stressful and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day ,and his kids were obnoxious, and non loving.
So one day, while deep into his regular prayer, he looked towards heaven and asked, "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"
A great voice bellowed out from above, "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"
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What is the biggest problem for an atheist?- No one to talk to during an orgasm.
Why do we have an orgasm? - How else would we know when to stop?
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A man, sitting next to a woman on a jet, suddenly sneezes. Unexpectedly, he unzips his pants and wipes the end of his penis off with his handkerchief. He then zips up and continues reading his magazine.
The woman cannot believe what she just saw.
Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The woman says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude."
He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze."
The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what are you taking for it?"
"Pepper," he replies.
A man, sitting next to a woman on a jet, suddenly sneezes. Unexpectedly, he unzips his pants and wipes the end of his penis off with his handkerchief. He then zips up and continues reading his magazine.
The woman cannot believe what she just saw.
Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The woman says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude."
He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze."
The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what are you taking for it?"
"Pepper," he replies.
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There were these three guys outside of a bar. There was a black guy, a white guy, and a Chinese guy. They all had been in the bar before and saw this gorgeous woman.
They decided to make a bet to see who could make the woman scream.
The black guy goes in and comes out and the women is laughing, and then the white guys goes in, well after he comes out she is laughing even harder.
The Chinese guy goes in and a after a few minutes she is screaming bloody murder. Then he comes out, and the other two guys said how did you do that, and the Chinese guy goes "Me Chinese, me play trick, me put hot sauce on my penis!"
There were these three guys outside of a bar. There was a black guy, a white guy, and a Chinese guy. They all had been in the bar before and saw this gorgeous woman.
They decided to make a bet to see who could make the woman scream.
The black guy goes in and comes out and the women is laughing, and then the white guys goes in, well after he comes out she is laughing even harder.
The Chinese guy goes in and a after a few minutes she is screaming bloody murder. Then he comes out, and the other two guys said how did you do that, and the Chinese guy goes "Me Chinese, me play trick, me put hot sauce on my penis!"
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AChinese woman is having trouble with her eyes, so she goes to see an optician. The optician looks in her eyes with the instrument. The Chinese woman says, "What is the matter doctor?"
The doctor says, "You have a cataract."
The Chinese woman looks astounded and says "No NO I have a Ringcon Continental
A Chinese woman is having trouble with her eyes, so she goes to see an optician. The optician looks in her eyes with the instrument. The Chinese woman says, "What is the matter doctor?"
The doctor says, "You have a cataract."
The Chinese woman looks astounded and says "No NO I have a Ringcon Continental
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An optician operates on a hippie painters girlfriend and saves her eyesight.
The hippie painter is so grateful that he goes to the doctors house one day,
while the doctor has office hours, goes inside and paints a huge eye on an entire wall of the living room,
leaving the fireplace as the pupil of the eye. Hes just finishing up when the doctor walks in.
He says to the doctor, Well, do you like it man?
The doctor says, Yeah, but Im certainly glad Im not a gynecologist!
An optician operates on a hippie painters girlfriend and saves her eyesight.
The hippie painter is so grateful that he goes to the doctors house one day,
while the doctor has office hours, goes inside and paints a huge eye on an entire wall of the living room,
leaving the fireplace as the pupil of the eye. Hes just finishing up when the doctor walks in.
He says to the doctor, Well, do you like it man?
The doctor says, Yeah, but Im certainly glad Im not a gynecologist!
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Issy is a very wealthy man and for his mothers birthday he goes to a Sothebys sale and buys her a very expensive painting. When he gets back home, he cant wait to phone to tell her what hes bought for her. "Hi, mum, its me, Issy, your number one son."
"Oh (pause) is everything all right, sweetheart?" she asks.
"Yes, mum," replies Issy, "everything is fine. Im ringing to tell you that for your birthday, Ive just bought you a Rubens."
"Rubin?" she says, "Do you mean Rubin the accountant?"
"No, mum, Rubens is a great painter," explains Issy, laughing.
"Oh, this I didn't know," she says. "Listen, sweetheart, ask him how much he'll charge to paint my kitchen."
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