A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman find a wizard on the top of a tall cliff. The wizard orders them to jump off the cliff, but he also promises that if they say anything while falling, they will get it at the bottom of the cliff. So first, the Scotsman jumps off the cliff and shouts, "Pillows!" and so he lands on some pillows. Then the Irishman jumps off the cliff, and he shouts, "Hay!" and so he lands on some hay. Finally the Englishman runs to jump off the cliff, but he trips on a rock just before the jump and says, "Aw, crap!"
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A Scotsman went into a barber's shop and asked the cost of a haircut. "Six pounds," replied the hairdresser. "What about a shave?" asked the Scot. "Three pounds fifty pence," answered the hairdresser. The Scot retorted, "Shave my head."
A Scotsman went into a barber's shop and asked the cost of a haircut. "Six pounds," replied the hairdresser. "What about a shave?" asked the Scot. "Three pounds fifty pence," answered the hairdresser. The Scot retorted, "Shave my head."
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An Irishman and a boy go into a barber's shop. The man has a trim then says to the boy, "You get your hair cut while I go to the supermarket and do some shopping." The boy has his hair cut but the man does not return. "Looks like your dad has forgotten you're here." says the barber. "That wasn't my dad," replies the boy. "That guy grabbed me on the street, and said How would you like a free haircut and dragged me in here."
An Irishman and a boy go into a barber's shop. The man has a trim then says to the boy, "You get your hair cut while I go to the supermarket and do some shopping." The boy has his hair cut but the man does not return. "Looks like your dad has forgotten you're here." says the barber. "That wasn't my dad," replies the boy. "That guy grabbed me on the street, and said How would you like a free haircut and dragged me in here."
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A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.
The Scotsman asks for a year's supply of whisky; it's given to him and he's locked away.
The Irishman asks for a year's supply of Guinness so he's locked up with several thousand bottles of it.
The Englishman asks for a year's supply of cigarettes and he's given a pile of cartons and the cell door is shut on him.
One year later, the doors are all unlocked.
The Scotsman staggers out and shouts, 'I'm free!' and then keels over dead from alcohol poisoning.
The Irishman is dragged out into the light, whereupon he promptly dies of liver failure.
When the door to the Englishman's cell is opened, everybody watches eagerly to see what sort of a wreck the man has made of himself.
To their surprise, he walks right out the door, sidles up to the first person he sees, and asks, 'I say you wouldn't happen to have a match, would you?'
A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.
The Scotsman asks for a year's supply of whisky; it's given to him and he's locked away.
The Irishman asks for a year's supply of Guinness so he's locked up with several thousand bottles of it.
The Englishman asks for a year's supply of cigarettes and he's given a pile of cartons and the cell door is shut on him.
One year later, the doors are all unlocked.
The Scotsman staggers out and shouts, 'I'm free!' and then keels over dead from alcohol poisoning.
The Irishman is dragged out into the light, whereupon he promptly dies of liver failure.
When the door to the Englishman's cell is opened, everybody watches eagerly to see what sort of a wreck the man has made of himself.
To their surprise, he walks right out the door, sidles up to the first person he sees, and asks, 'I say you wouldn't happen to have a match, would you?'
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A drunk was in front of a judge.
The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking whisky."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
A drunk was in front of a judge.
The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking whisky.
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
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Standing before the judge during an alimony hearing, the man said,
"As God is my judge, I do not owe that madwoman money!
The judge calmly replied, "He isn't. I am. You do."
Standing before the judge during an alimony hearing, the man said,
"As God is my judge, I do not owe that madwoman money!
The judge calmly replied, "He isn't. I am. You do."
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Paying alimony is like having your television on while you're asleep.
Paying alimony is like having your television on while you're asleep.
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His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many television adds, just to make conversation.
"Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?"
"A box of Tampax," he replied without hesitation.
"Tampax?" said the doctor. "What would you do with that?"
"Well," said Johnny, "I do not know exactly, but it's sure worth two dollars. With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to."
His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many television adds, just to make conversation.
"Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?"
"A box of Tampax," he replied without hesitation.
"Tampax?" said the doctor. "What would you do with that?"
"Well," said Johnny, "I do not know exactly, but it's sure worth two dollars. With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to."
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Five doctors went to on a duck hunt: a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon, and a pathologist. After a while a bird came winging overhead, the GP raised his shogun but didn't shoot because he wasn't sure if it was a duck or not. The pediatrician also raised his gun, but then he wasn't sure if it was a male or female duck, so he didn't shoot. The psychiatrist raised his gun and then thought, I know that's a duck, but does the duck know it's a duck?" The surgeon was the only one who shot. Boom!! He blew it away. Then he turned to the pathologist and said, "Go see if that was a duck."
Five doctors went to on a duck hunt: a GP, a pediatrician,
a psychiatrist, a surgeon, and a pathologist. After a while a bird came winging overhead,
the GP raised his shogun but didn't shoot because he wasn't sure if it was a duck or not.
The pediatrician also raised his gun, but then he wasn't sure if it was a male or female duck, so he didn't shoot.
The psychiatrist raised his gun and then thought, I know that's a duck, but does the duck know it's a duck?"
The surgeon was the only one who shot. Boom!! He blew it away. Then he turned to the pathologist and said,
"Go see if that was a duck."
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The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated on: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate on you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you."
"Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."
The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated on: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate on you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you."
"Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."
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A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
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