An old lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..'The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'The old woman says, 'Thank you Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.''Coming up,' says the bartender.As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.''Coming right up,' the bartender says.As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
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Guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife. Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story, "Wow, that's awful, what did you do?" "Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hightailed it back here, shoot, they we're just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers."
Guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife. Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story,
"Wow, that's awful, what did you do?" "Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hightailed it back here, shoot,
they we're just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers."
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I went to my lawyer and told him I was looking to get a divorce because my wife hadn't spoken to me in six months,
he told me to think it over, "wives like that are hard to get!"
I went to my lawyer and told him I was looking to get a divorce because my wife hadn't spoken to me in six months,
he told me to think it over, "wives like that are hard to get!"
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Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.
Beware of half truths...you may get the wrong half.
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A man walks into a pet store and asks for a German shepperd. The shopkeeper, replies that it will cost him $500. The man thinks for a minute, then asks how much a beware of dog sign costs. The shopkeeper calmly replies that it costs a whopping $1.98. The man thinks for a while longer, and asks for a beware of dog sign.
A man walks into a pet store and asks for a German Shepperd. The shopkeeper, replies that it will cost him $500. The man thinks for a minute, then asks how much a beware of dog sign costs. The shopkeeper calmly replies that it costs a whopping $1.98. The man thinks for a while longer, and asks for a beware of dog sign.
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The police department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident. Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his German Shepperd on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman!"
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his German Shepperd on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman!"
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His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the officer.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the officer.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.
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A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman find a wizard on the top of a tall cliff. The wizard orders them to jump off the cliff, but he also promises that if they say anything while falling, they will get it at the bottom of the cliff. So first, the Scotsman jumps off the cliff and shouts, "Pillows!" and so he lands on some pillows. Then the Irishman jumps off the cliff, and he shouts, "Hay!" and so he lands on some hay. Finally the Englishman runs to jump off the cliff, but he trips on a rock just before the jump and says, "Aw, crap!"
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