My nosy neighbor popped his head over the fence and said, "It may be none of my business, but this afternoon a strange man came to your house and your wife let him in.I peeked through the curtains and saw them making wild, passionate love."
I asked, "Was he short, about 5 foot 8?"
"Yes," the neighbor answered, "I believe he was."
"Did he have a droopy eye, and appear drunk?" I asked.
"Yes," the neighbor answered..
"Then that was the mailman, Jim, He'll screw anyone!"
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A mailman who had delievered mail to this neighborhood was finally retiring after 30 long years. So on his last day each house had little gifts for him to show him how much they cared, the first house he came to gave him a gift basket full off food, the next house gave him some baked goods and so on. Then he comes up to this one house and standing in the doorway is this gorgeous BLOND and she is wearing nothing but this little neglegie. She takes the mailman by the hand and leads him upstairs where she gives him the best and the longest sex that he has ever had. Man talk about every fantacy fullfilled. After that he takes him downstrairs and fixes him a wonderful breakfast. After he finishes he sees a dollar bill under his water glass so he asks about it. She says, well I was telling my husband that today was your last day and asked him what we should do for you and he says Screw Him, Give him a dollar.
A mailman who haddeliveredmail to this neighborhood was finally retiring after 30 long years. So on his last day each house had little gifts for him to show him how much they cared, the first house he came to gave him a gift basket full off food, the next house gave him some baked goods and so on. Then he comes up to this one house and standing in the doorway is this gorgeous BLOND and she is wearing nothing but this littlenegligee. She takes the mailman by the hand and leads him upstairs where she gives him the best and the longest sex that he has ever had. Man talk about everyfantasyfulfilled. After that he takes himdownstairsand fixes him a wonderful breakfast. After he finishes he sees a dollar bill under his water glass so he asks about it. She says, well I was telling my husband that today was your last day and asked him what we should do for you and he says Screw Him, Give him a dollar.
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A man was trimming his bushes. His neighbor (the blond) walks out, checks her mail only to see that it's empty, and goes back inside.Five minutes later, she comes back out, checks her mail again only to see that it's still empty, and goes back in.The third time she comes out, the man asks her, "Excuse me, is there a problem?"The blond replies, "Darn right there's a problem! My computer keeps on telling me 'I've got mail'!"
A man was trimming his bushes. His neighbor (the blond) walks out, checks her mail only to see that it's empty, and goes back inside.Five minutes later, she comes back out, checks her mail again only to see that it's still empty, and goes back in.The third time she comes out, the man asks her, "Excuse me, is there a problem?"The blond replies, "Darn right there's a problem! My computer keeps on telling me 'I've got mail'!"
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One of Microsoft's finest computer technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"
One of Microsoft's finest computer technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target.He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area,"It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"
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There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, witha couple of very important executives on board. He was coming intothe Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 milesvisibility when his instruments went out.
He began circling around looking for a landmark. Finally, a smallopening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with a guyworking alone on the fifth floor. He banks the plane around, rollsdown the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?"
The man replies, "You're in an airplane." The pilot rolls up thewindow, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to perform aperfect blind landing on the airport runway 5 miles away. Just asthe plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it.
"Quite easy," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correctbut absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft'ssupport office and from there the airport is just five miles dueEast."
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, witha couple of very important executives on board. He was coming intothe Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 milesvisibility when his instruments went out.
He began circling around looking for a landmark. Finally, a smallopening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with a guyworking alone on the fifth floor. He banks the plane around, rollsdown the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?"
The man replies, "You're in an airplane." The pilot rolls up thewindow, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to perform aperfect blind landing on the airport runway 5 miles away. Just asthe plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it.
"Quite easy," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correctbut absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft'ssupport office and from there the airport is just five miles dueEast."
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A Seattle woman became trapped in her car when itbecame lodged down an elevator shaft. This is what happens when you drive a Toy-Otis.
A Seattle woman became trapped in her car when it became lodged down an elevator shaft.This is what happens when you drive a Toy-Otis.
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A goodSamaritanwas walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep".
Then the goodSamaritangot to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.
Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man.
He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"
A goodSamaritanwas walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep".
Then the goodSamaritangot to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.
Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man.
He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"
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"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper.""What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!""I know all that.""Then why did you invite a friend for supper?""Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
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A husband and wife were chatting with friends when the subject of marriage counselling was raised.
The husband said: "Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship. She has a communications degree and I have a degree in theatre arts. She communicates really well and I just act like I'm listening."
A husband and wife were chatting with friends when the subject of marriage counselling was raised.
The husband said: "Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship. She has a communications degree and I have a degree in theatre arts. She communicates really well and I just act like I'm listening."
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The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c".
Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst place....
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c".Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v".During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst place....
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A European Union Department of Water Resources representative stops at a West Country farm and talks with the old farmer.He tells the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for the EU water allocation directive". The farmer says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there".The Representative says, "Sir!, I have the full authority of the European Unionwith me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land, NO questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"The farmer nods politely and goes about his chores. Shortly, thereafter the farmer hears loud screams and sees the representative running for his life followed close behind by the farmer's bull, who's gaining with every step.The rep is clearly terrified, and is screaming for help, so the old farmer throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the topof his lungs..... "Your card! Show him your card! "
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