Tom and Dick are building a house when Tom sees Dick going through a bag of nails. He looks at each nail in turn and some he puts into a box and others he throws into a bin. Why are you throwing those nails away? asks Tom. Because theyre pointed at the wrong end, says Dick. You idiot, replies Tom. Those nails are for the other side of the house.
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Tom, Dick and Harry, three explorers, were captured by cannibals in the jungles of Borneo.The cannibal chief says to them, "If you pass the tribal test we will let you live. Go into the jungle and gather 10 items of the same fruit. "So the three guys scamper into the woods, and Tom comes back first with 10 apples. The Chief explains the trial to him, "You must shove the fruits up your butt without any statement on your face or you will be eaten." The first apple was okay but Tom winced in pain on the second apple, and was promptly killed and went to heaven (he was a good explorer). Dick comes back with 10 berries and the chief explains the trial to him as well. Dick doesn't think it should be too tough and begins. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. But on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and is killed. Tom and Dick meet in heaven where Tom asks, "Dick, why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!" Dick replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw Harry coming with an armload of pineapples."
Tom, Dick and Harry, three explorers, were captured by cannibals in the jungles of Borneo.The cannibal chief says to them, "If you pass the tribal test we will let you live. Go into the jungle and gather 10 items of the same fruit. "So the three guys scamper into the woods, and Tom comes back first with 10 apples. The Chief explains the trial to him, "You must shove the fruits up your butt without any statement on your face or you will be eaten." The first apple was okay but Tom winced in pain on the second apple, and was promptly killed and went to heaven (he was a good explorer). Dick comes back with 10 berries and the chief explains the trial to him as well. Dick doesn't think it should be too tough and begins. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. But on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and is killed. Tom and Dick meet in heaven where Tom asks, "Dick, why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!" Dick replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw Harry coming with an armload of pineapples."
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A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some aftershave to slap on their faces.
The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"
The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some aftershave to slap on their faces.The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
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Three woodcutters were finishing up a hard, four-month stint in the forest. They had not seen or heard anything other than the trees and the sound of their axes that entire time. They packed up, and headed to the nearest town.After getting sufficiently drunk, they decided to visit the town whorehouse. Upon entering, the madam became nervous at the sight of the three men because she had only two girls working that night. She thought on her feet, and decided to bed the drunkest looking woodcutter with a blow-up doll.After all was done they met downstairs to compare notes. The drunkest woodcutter said: "She was okay at first, but a little too quiet. So I bit her nipple, then she let out a huge fart and flew out the window."
Three woodcutters were finishing up a hard, four-month stint in the forest. They had not seen or heard anything other than the trees and the sound of their axes that entire time. They packed up, and headed to the nearest town.After getting sufficiently drunk, they decided to visit the town whorehouse. Upon entering, the madam became nervous at the sight of the three men because she had only two girls working that night. She thought on her feet, and decided to bed the drunkest looking woodcutter with a blow-up doll.After all was done they met downstairs to compare notes. The drunkest woodcutter said: "She was okay at first, but a little too quiet. So I bit her nipple, then she let out a huge fart and flew out the window."
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A drunken man staggers into a catholic church and sits down in a confession box but says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final atempt to get the man to speak.
Finally the drunk replies - "No use knockin' mate - there's no paper in this one either".
A drunken man staggers into a catholic church and sits down in a confession box but says nothing.The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final atempt to get the man to speak.Finally the drunk replies - "No use knockin' mate - there's no paper in this one either".
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A drunken man staggers into a catholic church and sits down in a confession box.There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.He hears a priest come in:"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".
The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".
A drunken man staggers into a catholic church and sits down in a confession box.There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.He hears a priest come in:"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".
The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".
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Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in northern Arizona when she saw an 
elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. Since her trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally. "What in bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband". The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.Since her trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks,the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently,looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally. "What in bag?"asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband".The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."
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A husband and wife were shopping when the husband eyed up a shapely young woman in a short, tight skirt. Without looking up from the item she was examining, the wife said: "Was it worth the trouble you're in?"
Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.- First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse...so he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.- Ok, now take off my skirt...and he takes off her skirt.- Now take off my bra...which he does.- And now, Johnny, please take off my panties.and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says,"Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
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Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel.One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor man takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel.One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor man takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"
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My nosy neighbor popped his head over the fence and said, "How did your trip to Amsterdam go?"
I said, "It was ok. I smoked loads of weed. Met a beautiful woman. Fantastic figure, intelligent, and a great personality. In fact she reminded me of your wife a bit."
He laughed and said, "Which bit?"
I said, "The bit where she charges for sex."
My nosy neighbor popped his head over the fence and said, "How did your trip to Amsterdam go?" I said, "It was ok. I smoked loads of weed. Met a beautiful woman. Fantastic figure, intelligent, and a great personality. In fact she reminded me of your wife a bit."
He laughed and said, "Which bit?"
I said, "The bit where she charges for sex."
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My nosy neighbor popped his head over the fence and said, "It may be none of my business, but this afternoon a strange man came to your house and your wife let him in.I peeked through the curtains and saw them making wild, passionate love."
I asked, "Was he short, about 5 foot 8?"
"Yes," the neighbor answered, "I believe he was."
"Did he have a droopy eye, and appear drunk?" I asked.
"Yes," the neighbor answered..
"Then that was the mailman, Jim, He'll screw anyone!"
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