Mom's Affair
There was this woman see, and she takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Without her knowing, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet, where the little boy is also hiding.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."The man says, "Yes it is."Boy - "I have a baseball."Man - "That's nice."Boy - "Want to buy it?"Man - "No, thanks."Boy - "My dad's outside."Man - "OK, how much?"Boy - "$250."In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.Boy - "Dark in here."Man - "Yes, it is."Boy - "I have a baseball glove."Man - remembering last time, asks, "How much?"Boy - "$750."Man - "Fine."A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"The son says "$1,000."The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.The boy says, "Dark in here."The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!"
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It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholicchurch to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a fewminutes.Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend."However",he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want youto confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree,and run off. Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goesto the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." Thepriest asks, "What did you do, Sister?"She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heavenfor a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holywater." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chucklequietly under her breath.
The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me , Father,for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says,"I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house,and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heavenfor half a minute, then says,"You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water."The second nun goes out.
By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for Ihave sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says,"Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up atheaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Goand drink the holy water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor,laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks.
The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?"The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water...
It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholicchurch to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a fewminutes.Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend."However",he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want youto confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree,and run off. Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goesto the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." Thepriest asks, "What did you do, Sister?"She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heavenfor a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holywater." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chucklequietly under her breath.
The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me , Father,for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says,"I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house,and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heavenfor half a minute, then says,"You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water."The second nun goes out.
By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for Ihave sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says,"Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up atheaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Goand drink the holy water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor,laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks.
The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?"The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water...
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Sunday morning is like Monday morning except with better coffee and less bullshit.
Retirement is one great big giant coffee break.
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A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps agiant of aman. The dwarf stares and says "Youre the biggest man I have ever seen". The man nods his head, and replies " Im 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I'm Turner Brown. The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, "I said Im 6 - 9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown. The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing. For a minute there, I thought you said Turn Around.
A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up,just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a giant of a man. The dwarf stares and says "Youre the biggest man I have ever seen". The man nods his head, and replies " Im 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I'm Turner Brown. The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, "I said Im 6 - 9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown. The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing. For a minute there, I thought you said Turn Around. -----------------------------------------------
A blonde gets on an elevator and a man is standing there and she turned andsmiled at him and said; "Hi... T.G.I.F."
" S.H.I.T. " replied the man "Excuse me...how rude T.G.I.F." responded the blonde. "S.H.I.T." replied that man. "Maybe you don't know what I am saying, T.G.I.F means Thank GoodnessIt's Friday!" " You didn't understand me, S.H.I.T... "Sorry honey, it's Thursday"
Yo' Mama is so poor, when I stepped on a cockroach crawling across her floor, she said, "Now what do we do for supper?"
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Shes too poor to afford make-up. Instead of eye shadow she just sticks her head up the chimney and blinks.
Shes too poor to afford make-up. Instead of eye shadow she just sticks her head up the chimney and blinks.
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Allan, a mechanic, was removing a cylinder head from a Harley-Davidson motorbike, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his garage. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
Allan shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc can I ask you a question?' The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to Allan. Allan straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I work for a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?'
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered in Allan's ear, 'Try doing it with the engine running.'
Allan, a mechanic, was removing a cylinder head from a Harley-Davidson motorbike, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his garage. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
Allan shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc can I ask you a question?' The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to Allan. Allan straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I work for a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?'
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered in Allan's ear, 'Try doing it with the engine running.'
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A blonde lady goes into an auto parts store and asks for a seven-ten cap.
All the clerks look at each other, and one says, "What's a seven-ten cap?"
She says, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost and some how and I need a new one."
"What kind of a car is it on?" the clerk asked.
"It's a Toyota."
"Okay lady, how big is it?"
She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.
The clerk asks, "What does it do?"
"I don't know, but its always been there."
By now, the manager has come over. He hands the lady a note pad and asks her if she could draw a picture of it. The customer carefully draws a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. In the center she writes "710."
The guys behind the counter, who are looking at the drawing upside down, can barely control their laughter as the boss walks to a shelf, grabs an OIL cap and puts in on the counter.
"That's it!" the lady says. "How much?"
"It's on the house," the manager replied. "Please come back often. You have no idea how entertaining it was waiting on you."
A blonde lady goes into an auto parts store and asks for a seven-ten cap.All the clerks look at each other, and one says, "What's a seven-ten cap?"She says, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost and some how and I need a new one.""What kind of a car is it on?" the clerk asked."It's a Toyota.""Okay lady, how big is it?"She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.The clerk asks, "What does it do?""I don't know, but its always been there."By now, the manager has come over. He hands the lady a note pad and asks her if she could draw a picture of it. The customer carefully draws a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. In the center she writes "710."The guys behind the counter, who are looking at the drawing upside down, can barely control their laughter as the boss walks to a shelf, grabs an OIL cap and puts in on the counter."That's it!" the lady says. "How much?""It's on the house," the manager replied. "Please come back often. You have no idea how entertaining it was waiting on you."
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A blonde, aredheadand a brunette jumped off of a tall building. Who took the longest to hit the ground?The blonde because she had to stop and ask directions!
A blonde, aredheadand a brunette jumped off of a tall building. Who took the longest to hit the ground?The blonde because she had to stop and ask directions!
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Tom and Dick are building a house when Tom sees Dick going through a bag of nails. He looks at each nail in turn and some he puts into a box and others he throws into a bin. Why are you throwing those nails away? asks Tom. Because theyre pointed at the wrong end, says Dick. You idiot, replies Tom. Those nails are for the other side of the house.
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