A group of Sun City Senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments:"My arms are so weak I can barely hold a cup of coffee", said one."Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee", replied another."I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck", said a third, to which several nodded in agreement.My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on."I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.Then there was a short moment of silence."Well, it's not that bad" said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God, we can all still drive"!
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Bill Gates died and was soon standing in front of God. God looked through Bill's book and couldn't decide if he wanted to send Bill to Hell or Heaven, so he gave Bill a choice. Looking through Heaven's window Bill Gates saw a sunny beach. In Hell's window Bill saw not only a beach, but beautiful women too, so of course he chooses Hell. Two weeks later God goes to check on Bill Gates and finds him running from devils having a horrible time."How's it going, Bill?" God asked."Horrible! What happened to the beach and the women?" Bill cried."Oh," God laughed. "That was the screensaver."
Bill Gates died and was soon standing in front of God. God looked through Bill's book and couldn't decide if he wanted to send Bill to Hell or Heaven, so he gave Bill a choice. Looking through Heaven's window Bill Gates saw a sunny beach. In Hell's window Bill saw not only a beach, but beautiful women too, so of course he chooses Hell. Two weeks later God goes to check on Bill Gates and finds him running from devils having a horrible time."How's it going, Bill?" God asked."Horrible! What happened to the beach and the women?" Bill cried."Oh," God laughed. "That was the screensaver."
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A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy says OK, and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies: "I did ... today I'm taking them to the beach!"
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."The guy says OK, and drives away.The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies: "I did ... today I'm taking them to the beach!"
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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde drivers license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "Its square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is." she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. Ididn'trealize you were a cop."
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde drivers license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "Its square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is." she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. Ididn'trealize you were a cop."
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Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it
started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put
it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day...Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of
age), but politely asks the woman what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when itstarted to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, putit over her cigarette and continued smoking.Lady 1: What's that?Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.Lady 1: Where did you get it?Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.The next day...Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore andannounces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years ofage), but politely asks the woman what brand she prefers.Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.
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This guy named Joe was going into the desert for a week and he needed a camel for the trip. Joe was a stranger to the desert but was able to locate a rent-a-camel office. Joe tells the rent-a-camel man that he will be making a long trip through the desert for one week. The rent-a-camel man says even his best camel can only go 4 days without water. After some discussion, the rent-a-camel man says "I don't like to suggest this, but you know a good camel can go an extra 3 days or more if he is bricked." Joe agrees to take the best camel. As he leaves the rent-a-camel office, the rent-a-camel man reminds Joe to brick the camel. Not wanting to display his ignorance, Joe doesn't ask about the procedure for bricking the camel. Well Joe knows that it is a long difficult trip for the camel and lets it eat ant drink its fill. He encourages the camel to take on all the water it can by offering it often. Sure enough 4 days into the trip the camel drops dead. Poor Joe barely makes it back to town alive and can't wait to confront the rent-a-camel man. "You rented me a poor camel", Joe says, "It died after only 4 days in the desert, and I almost perished with it." The puzzled rent-a-camel man looks up at Joe and says, "He was my best camel. Did you brick him?" Mad as hell, Joe replies, "Brick him, what the hell do you mean." The rent-a-camel man explains that when the camel bends over to take water, you take two bricks and slam his gonads, as the camel gasps with his head in the water he takes on another 3 to 4 day supply of water. "My GOD", Joe says," Doesn't that hurt?" The rent-a-camel man answers, "No! Just keep your thumbs out of the way when you slam the bricks together."
This guy named Joe was going into the desert for a week and he needed a camel for the trip. Joe was a stranger to the desert but was able to locate a rent-a-camel office. Joe tells the rent-a-camel man that he will be making a long trip through the desert for one week. The rent-a-camel man says even his best camel can only go 4 days without water. After some discussion, the rent-a-camel man says "I don't like to suggest this, but you know a good camel can go an extra 3 days or more if he is bricked." Joe agrees to take the best camel. As he leaves the rent-a-camel office, the rent-a-camel man reminds Joe to brick the camel. Not wanting to display his ignorance, Joe doesn't ask about the procedure for bricking the camel. Well Joe knows that it is a long difficult trip for the camel and lets it eat ant drink its fill. He encourages the camel to take on all the water it can by offering it often. Sure enough 4 days into the trip the camel drops dead. Poor Joe barely makes it back to town alive and can't wait to confront the rent-a-camel man. "You rented me a poor camel", Joe says, "It died after only 4 days in the desert, and I almost perished with it." The puzzled rent-a-camel man looks up at Joe and says, "He was my best camel. Did you brick him?" Mad as hell, Joe replies, "Brick him, what the hell do you mean." The rent-a-camel man explains that when the camel bends over to take water, you take two bricks and slam his gonads, as the camel gasps with his head in the water he takes on another 3 to 4 day supply of water. "My GOD", Joe says," Doesn't that hurt?" The rent-a-camel man answers, "No! Just keep your thumbs out of the way when you slam the bricks together."
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A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.' The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?' 'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles. OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?' The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence ... thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.' To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know SHIT?
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.' The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?' 'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles. OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?' The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence ... thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.' To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know SHIT?
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A man and his wife are stranded on a desert island. The wife begins to lose interest in her husband and wishes on a star that she would find another man. The next day a man is washed on shore. He is very nice looking and finds immediate interest in the wife. The husband was very pleased that there was another man to help work.So they started on building a watchtower. The stranger and wife wanted to have mad passionate sex on the beach. So he tried to think of a plan. SO then the stranger offered to watch first from the watchtower. While the husband and wife worked, the stranger yelled, ''Hey! No screwing! Get back to work!'' At this, the couple yelled back, ''We're not screwing!''A little while later the man again yelled out to them. And again the couple denied it. This happened several times during his shift up in the watchtower, and when his turn was over, the husband took over. With that, the stranger made love to the wife on the beach. The husband, watching, exclaimed, ''Wow, it really does look like they're screwing from up here!'''
A man and his wife are stranded on a desert island. The wife begins to lose interest in her husband and wishes on a star that she would find another man. The next day a man is washed on shore. He is very nice looking and finds immediate interest in the wife. The husband was very pleased that there was another man to help work.So they started on building a watchtower. The stranger and wife wanted to have mad passionate sex on the beach. So he tried to think of a plan. SO then the stranger offered to watch first from the watchtower. While the husband and wife worked, the stranger yelled, ''Hey! No screwing! Get back to work!'' At this, the couple yelled back, ''We're not screwing!''A little while later the man again yelled out to them. And again the couple denied it. This happened several times during his shift up in the watchtower, and when his turn was over, the husband took over. With that, the stranger made love to the wife on the beach. The husband, watching, exclaimed, ''Wow, it really does look like they're screwing from up here!'''
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A very drunk man comes out of the bar and sees another very drunk man.
He looks up in the sky and says, "Is that the sun or the moon?"
The other drunk man answers, "I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself."
A very drunk man comes out of the bar and sees another very drunk man.
He looks up in the sky and says, "Is that the sun or the moon?"
The other drunk man answers, "I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself."
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A drunk man was in front of a judge.
The judge says, Siryou'vebeen brought here for drinking.
The drunk says: Okay, lets get started.
A drunk man was in front of a judgeThe judge says, Siryou'vebeen brought here for drinking.The drunk says: Okay, lets get started.
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The Judge admonished the witness, Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth? I do. Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful? Sure, said the witness. My side will win.
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