A woman's husband died. He had $20,000 to his name. After paying all of the funeral expenses, she told her closest friend that there was no money left.
The friend asked, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"
The widow replied, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And, of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, pay the organist and all. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, the food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend asked, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"
The widow replied, "Three carats."
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An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, "If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
One day, the man abruptly dies. After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party. Her friends ask if she isn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave.
The widow smiles, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried face down!"
An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, "If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
One day, the man abruptly dies. After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party. Her friends ask if she isn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave.
The widow smiles, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried face down!"
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An old couple is in a taxi in America.
The taxi driver says "So which part of England are you folks from?"
The old man replies "From Yorkshire"
The old lady says "What did he say?"
The old man says "He asked which part of England we are from and I said Yorkshire"
The taxi driver says "I've been to orkshire once. I stayed with an old couple. The woman was horrible, a right bitch, it put me off going to England forever."
The old lady says "What did he say?"
The old man says "I think the driver knows you!"
An old couple is in a taxi in America.The taxi driver says "So which part of England are you folks from?"The old man replies "From Yorkshire"The old lady says "What did he say?"The old man says "He asked which part of England we are from and I said Yorkshire"The taxi driver says "I've been to Yorkshire once. I stayed with an old couple. The woman was horrible, a right bitch, it put me off going to England forever."The old lady says "What did he say?"The old man says "I think the driver knows you!"
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An old couple sitting watching TV when husband leans over and asks his wife,
'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!
An old couple sitting watching TV when husband leans over and asks his wife,
'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!
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One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game.
Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I've got Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here."
"Yes", laughed the devil, "but I have all the umpires!"
One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game.Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I've got Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here."
"Yes", laughed the devil, "but I have all the umpires!"
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An engineer went to hell when he died,He saw that he could make a lot of improvements to the infrastructure,and with Satan's blessings had elevators, running water, and air conditioning installed in no time.The Lord saw what was going on and told Satan that he wanted the engineer sent to heaven because sending him to hell was an obvious mistake. When Satan refused to let the engineer go, God threatened to sue him."Where are you going to get a lawyer?" Satan asked.
An engineer went to hell when he died,He saw that he could make a lot of improvements to the infrastructure,and with Satan's blessings had elevators, running water, and air conditioning installed in no time.The Lord saw what was going on and told Satan that he wanted the engineer sent to heaven because sending him to hell was an obvious mistake. When Satan refused to let the engineer go, God threatened to sue him."Where are you going to get a lawyer?" Satan asked.
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A physicist, biologist and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time. The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Obviously he was drowned and never returned.
The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. He too, never returned.
The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, "The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water".
A physicist, biologist and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time. The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Obviously he was drowned and never returned.The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. He too, never returned.The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, "The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water".
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A physicist, engineer and a statistician are out hunting. Suddenly, a deer appears 50 yards away.The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts his rifle to a specific angle, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards short.The engineer adds a fudge factor for air resistance, lifts his rifle slightly higher, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards long.The statistician yells "We got him!"
A physicist, engineer and a statistician are out hunting. Suddenly, a deer appears 50 yards away.The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts his rifle to a specific angle, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards short.The engineer adds a fudge factor for air resistance, lifts his rifle slightly higher, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards long.The statistician yells "We got him!"
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The Wednesday night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand.
Puzzled, the pastor said, "I dont get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were were unable to make it to service because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer.
One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe..."
The Wednesday night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "Idon'tget it. Last Sunday many of you said you were were unable to make it to service because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer.One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe..."
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A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?" The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife.""What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter. "My wife."
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?" The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife.""What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter. "My wife."
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Two lions who, escaping from the zoo, split up to increase their chances but agree to meet after 2 months. When they finally meet, onelion is skinny and the other overweight. The thin one says: "How did you manage? I ate a human just once and they turned out a small army to chase me -- guns, nets, it was terrible. Since then I've been reduced to eating mice, insects, even grass." The fat one replies: "Well, I hid near an IBM office and ate a manager a day. And nobody even noticed!"
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