Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned inSunday School. Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Mosesbehind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites outof Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers builda pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. Heused his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an airstrike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all theIsraelites were saved.
"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" hismother asked.
Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'dnever believe it!
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One day Little Joey and Little Johnnie were playing by a stream when theysaw a woman bathing naked. All of a sudden Little Johnnie took off running. Little Joey took off after his friend.After he caught up to him, he asked why he ran away."Well," he said, "my mom told me that if I ever saw anaked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt somethinggetting hard so I ran."
One day Little Joey and Little Johnnie were playing by a stream when theysaw a woman bathing naked. All of a sudden Little Johnnie took off running. Little Joey took off after his friend.After he caught up to him, he asked why he ran away."Well," he said, "my mom told me that if I ever saw anaked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt somethinggetting hard so I ran."
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A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.
The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies: "Autumn."
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.
The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies: "Autumn."
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A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car, he can see that the man is very anxious about something."Good afternoon, Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?" the police officer asks."Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of life or death," the man replies."Oh, really? How's that?" the officer inquires."There's a naked woman waiting for me at home," the man responds."I don't see how that is a matter of life or death," the officer says.
"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man!"
A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car, he can see that the man is very anxious about something."Good afternoon, Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?" the police officer asks."Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of life or death," the man replies."Oh, really? How's that?" the officer inquires."There's a naked woman waiting for me at home," the man responds."I don't see how that is a matter of life or death," the officer says.
"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man!"
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A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an NCO," says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says "You must be an Officer".
"I am" replies the balloonist, "But how did you know?"
"Well," says the NCO, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an NCO," says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says "You must be an Officer".
"I am" replies the balloonist, "But how did you know?"
"Well," says the NCO, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
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Three balloons. Daddy balloon, mummy balloon and baby balloon.
Daddy balloon saids to baby balloon, "look son, you are much too old to sleep with mummy and daddy, you will have to sleep in your own bed". Baby balloon protests, "I like sleeping with you and mummy". "No," said daddy "you are not sleeping with us and thats final". "Ok" said baby balloon sadly.
Two in the morning baby balloon wakes up and decides to climb into bed with mummy and daddy. He finds there is no room, so he unties his dad's knot and lets out some air, and ties him up again. Still no room, so he unties his mummy's knot, also lets some air out and ties her up again. He still can't get in, so he unties his own knot, lets out some air, and ties himself up again, he finally has room, and snuggles down with mummy and daddy.
The next day they all wake, and daddy balloon is really angry. He said "son, I am really disapointed with you,I said you can't sleep with us. You've let me down, you've let mummy down, and you've let yourself down too".
A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"
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One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
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As he checked out of the Hillbilly Hotel, the man suddenly realized he had forgotten his luggage. Turning to the world's slowest bellhop, he shouted, "Run up to room 843 and see if I left my suitcase there."
"Sure thing," drawled the bellhop who started moving slowly towards the elevator.
"Hurry!" the man pleaded. "My plane leaves in ten minutes."
"Whatever you say," said the bellhop, then he disappeared.
Five minutes later the clerk returned, out of breath, and empty-handed.
"Well?" said the man desperately. "Did I leave my suitcase there?"
"Yep, " replied the bellhop happily. "You left it on the bed."
As he checked out of the Hillbilly Hotel, the man suddenly realized he had forgotten his luggage. Turning to the world's slowest bellhop, he shouted, "Run up to room 843 and see if I left my suitcase there."
"Sure thing," drawled the bellhop who started moving slowly towards the elevator.
"Hurry!" the man pleaded. "My plane leaves in ten minutes."
"Whatever you say," said the bellhop, then he disappeared.
Five minutes later the clerk returned, out of breath, and empty-handed.
"Well?" said the man desperately. "Did I leave my suitcase there?"
"Yep, " replied the bellhop happily. "You left it on the bed."
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Q: How do you tell the bride at a hillbilly wedding?
A: She's wearing the cleanest shirt.
Q: How do you tell the bride at a hillbilly wedding?A: She's wearing the cleanest shirt.
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Q: What's the difference between a hillbilly wedding and a hillbilly funeral?
A: There's one less drunk at the funeral.
Q: What's the difference between a hillbilly wedding and a hillbilly funeral?
A: There's one less drunk at the funeral.
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A woman's husband died. He had $20,000 to his name. After paying all of the funeral expenses, she told her closest friend that there was no money left.
The friend asked, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"
The widow replied, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And, of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, pay the organist and all. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, the food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend asked, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"
The widow replied, "Three carats."
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