Benny goes into a restaurant and looks over the menu. After a few minutes, the waitress comes to the table and asks him what he'd like. Benny says, "I'd like a quickie".The waitress blushes and says, "That's not funny, sir. Now, what would you like to order?" Benny says, "I'd really like a quickie". The waitress slaps him hard and storms off angrily. Another customer, overhearing the conversation, leans over and says to Benny, "Um, I think that it's pronounced 'quiche'"
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A man walked into an appliance store and asked the price of a 25" remote controlled color television set. "One dollar," the clerk replied. "You've got to be kidding." "Look, Mac," the clerk said, "do you want it or not?" Of course, the customer gave him a dollar. On the way out with his incredible bargain, the suctomer saw a big frost-free refrigerator with automatic ice maker. "How much for that?" he asked the clerk. "Fifty cents," came the reply. The customer forked over the half dollar, saying, "What the heck is going on here?" "Nothing is goining on here," the clerk snapped. "But my boss is at my house with my wife. And what he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business."
A man walked into an appliance store and asked the price of a 25" remote controlled color television set."One dollar," the clerk replied. "You've got to be kidding." "Look, Mac," the clerk said, "do you want it or not?" Of course,the customer gave him a dollar. On the way out with his incredible bargain, the suctomer saw a big frost-free refrigerator with automatic ice maker."How much for that?" he asked the clerk. "Fifty cents," came the reply. The customer forked over the half dollar, saying,"What the heck is going on here?" "Nothing is goining on here," the clerk snapped."But my boss is at my house with my wife. And what he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business."
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The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been banging the waitress?!""Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender.The boss replied, "Good, then you fire her!"
The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been banging the waitress?!""Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender.The boss replied, "Good, then you fire her!"
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. This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Iowa." The bartender asks, "What the hell you do in Iowa?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what the' hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says, "I mount animals." The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up,surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"The guy says, "I'm from Iowa." The bartender asks, "What the hell you do in Iowa?" The guy responds,"I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what the' hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says, "I mount animals." The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar,"It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
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A Mortician was doing his usual duties cleaning the body and preparing it before putting it in the casket. He looked closer at the males body and thought what a waste, the skin on a males reproductive organ is so soft and subtle, It's a shame it's always just wasted.
Then he got a brilliant Idea!
I know I will cut off each one and save it in a garbage bag and when it's full I'll take it over the the taxidermist man and see what he can make me, surely he can make me something really nice.
So the time finely arrived, his trash bag was full to the brim with Penis Foreskins.
He walked over the the taxidermist and plopped the huge trash bag filled with foreskins on his counter.
The Taxidermist looked inside the bag, he was shocked and said "What do you want me to do with that!"
The mortician replied "I don't know, why don't you surprise me" "There is plenty there for you to make me something Great!"
The Taxidermist said OK then I guess I'll call you when I'm done.
Time when by then the phone call finely came. The Taxidermist called to tell him it was ready and to come on over and pick it up! The Mortician was so excited and ran over there right away.
He approached the taxidermist with excitement rubbing his hands together in anticipation to see what was made for him.
Then the taxidermist handed him a wallet.
Shocked, Stunned, and aghast with his eys bugged out, the Mortician said to the taxidermist
"WHAT, " YOU MEAN TO TELL ME WITH ALL THE PENIS'S I GAVE YOU, THAT'S ALL I GET IS A STINKING WALLET?"
The taxidermist replied, "Yes, but when you rub it, it turns into a suitcase!"
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire andtowards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.Youve done very well so far, said, Chris Tarrant, the shows presenter,but for a million pounds youve only got one lifeline left phone afriend. Everything is riding on this questionwill you go for it?Sure, said Mick. Ill have a go! Which of the following birds doesNOT build its own nest?A: SparrowB: ThrushC: MagpieD: CuckooI havent got a clue, said Mick, so Ill use me last lifeline and phoneme friend Paddy back home in Dublin . Mick called up his mate, and toldhim the circumstances and repeated the question to him.F**kin hell, Mick! cried Paddy. Dats simple its a cuckoo.Are you sure?Im f**kin sure. Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, Ill go witCuckoo as me answer.Is that your final answer? asked ChrisDat it is, Sir.There was a long long pause, and then the presenter screamed, Cuckoo isthe correct answer! Mick, youve won 1 million pounds!The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.Tell me, Paddy? How in Heavens name did you know it was da Cuckoo thatdoesnt build itsBecause he lives in a F**kin clock!
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Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Irishmen from Dublin, who,as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through,all the Irishmen piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car.As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called "Tickets, please!"and one of the Irishmen slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door,and when it was safe all the Irishmen came out and took their seats.The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Irishmen's ingenuity.On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket.They noticed that, oddly, the Irishmen had not purchased any tickets this time.Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Irishmen piled into one of the toilet stalls,the Englishmen piled into the other one. Then one of the Irishmen leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stalland called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, theingeniousIrishman picked it up and quickly closed the door to the stall he was in.
Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Irishmen from Dublin, who,as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through,all the Irishmen piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car.As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called "Tickets, please!"and one of the Irishmen slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door,and when it was safe all the Irishmen came out and took their seats.The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Irishmen's ingenuity.On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket.They noticed that, oddly, the Irishmen had not purchased any tickets this time.Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Irishmen piled into one of the toilet stalls,the Englishmen piled into the other one. Then one of the Irishmen leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stalland called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, theingeniousIrishman picked it up and quickly closed the door to the stall he was in.
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Ablonde a brunette and a redhead all went hunting.After setting up camp the brunette went out and came back with a deer. They said "wow how did you get that?" She said "I followed the tracks and BOOM I shot it".The redhead went out and came back with a moose. The other two said "Wow! How did you get that?!" She said "I followed the tracks and BOOM, I shot it"The blonde went out and came back all scratched up and bloody they said "Wow! What happened?!?!" and she said "I followed the tracks and BOOM I got hit by a train!"
A blonde a brunette and a redhead all went hunting.Aftersetting up camp the brunette went out and came back with a deer. They said"wow how did you get that?" She said "I followed the tracks andBOOM I shot it".The redhead went out and came back with a moose. The othertwo said "Wow! How did you get that?!" She said "I followed thetracks and BOOM, I shot it"The blonde went out and came back all scratchedup and bloody they said "Wow! What happened?!?!" and she said "I followed the tracks and BOOM I got hitby a train!"
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There's a blond, brunette, and a redhead. They walk into astore and try to rob it but the cashier calls the cops. They run outside andlook for a place to hide. They see a barn and then run inside where they see 3potato sacks. They each get inside one. When the cops come in and look around,they see one of the sacks move and kick it. The brunette goes, "Woof,woof" and the cop thinks she's a dog so he moves on. He kicks the nextsack and the red head goes, "Meow, meow" and he thinks she's a cat sohe moves on. The cop goes to the last sack and when he kicks it the blondegoes, "Potato, potato."
There's a blond, brunette, and a redhead. They walk into astore and try to rob it but the cashier calls the cops. They run outside andlook for a place to hide. They see a barn and then run inside where they see 3potato sacks. They each get inside one. When the cops come in and look around,they see one of the sacks move and kick it. The brunette goes, "Woof,woof" and the cop thinks she's a dog so he moves on. He kicks the nextsack and the red head goes, "Meow, meow" and he thinks she's a cat sohe moves on. The cop goes to the last sack and when he kicks it the blondegoes, "Potato, potato."
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A man went to thecop Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
A man went to the cop Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before."You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant."No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
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A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you".Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you".He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes."He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses."The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus".
A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you".Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you".He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes."He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses."The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus".
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Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in
Sunday School. Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses
behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out
of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build
a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He
used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air
strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the
Israelites were saved.
"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his
mother asked.
Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd
never believe it!
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