A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash.
The store manager behind the customer service counter looks up,notices the customer is blind, and quickly looks away again.
Out of the corner of his eye he sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash.
Shocked, the manager runs over and says,"Mister, is there a problem is there something I can help you with?" The blind man calmly replies, "No thanks Im just looking around."
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A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars".
"Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man.
The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".
The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?"
To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him manager!"
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars".
"Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man.The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".
The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?"
To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him manager!" -----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a man went to an auction. There, he found an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he went higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after bidding much more than he had intended, he finally won. The bird was his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot isn't defective. I'd hate to pay this much money only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Of course he can talk," said the auctioneer. "Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
One day a man went to an auction. There, he found an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he went higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after bidding much more than he had intended, he finally won. The bird was his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot isn't defective. I'd hate to pay this much money only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Of course he can talk," said the auctioneer. "Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
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Selling at an auction was halted when the auctioneer announced, Someone in the room has lost his wallet containing 2,000. He is offering a reward of 500.00 for its immediate return. After a moment of silence, there was a call from the back of the room, 550.00
Selling at an auction was halted when the auctioneer announced,
Someone in the room has lost his wallet containing 2,000.He is offering a reward of 500.00 for its immediate return.After a moment of silence, there was a call from the back of the room, 550.00
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A battered old television set was put up for sale at an auction. Although the auctioneer insinuated that he didn't think it would ever work, a man bid it up to $20. The man gave his bidder number as 45 . Later,a woman bought an article and announced her bidder number as 45 . Wanting to verify the number,The auctioneer asked if the man who bought the TV was her husband.
"He was," she snapped, "before he bought that television set."
A battered old television set was put up for sale at an auction. Although the auctioneer insinuated that he didn't think it would ever work, a man bid it up to $20. The man gave his bidder number as 45 . Later,a woman bought an article and announced her bidder number as 45 . Wanting to verify the number,The auctioneer asked if the man who bought the TV was her husband.
"He was," she snapped, "before he bought that television set."
.......................................................................
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon,
when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard.
They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the Captain
sent the old woman back to shore, with the promise that he
would notify her as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally, the old woman got a fax from
the boat. It read: Ma'am, sorry to inform you that we found your
husband dead, at the bottom of the ocean.
We hauled him up to the deck, and attached to his butt was an oyster,
and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000....please advise.
The old woman faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon,when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard.
They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the Captainsent the old woman back to shore, with the promise that hewould notify her as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally, the old woman got a fax fromthe boat. It read: Ma'am, sorry to inform you that we found yourhusband dead, at the bottom of the ocean.
We hauled him up to the deck, and attached to his butt was an oyster,and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000....please advise.
The old woman faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.
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A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book. The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him. The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?" His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay." The husband says, "No, not at all." His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?" "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."
A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book. The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him. The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?" His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay." The husband says, "No, not at all." His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?" "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."
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An old man was wondering if hiswife had ahearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair.
He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response.
He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still, there was no response.
Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"
She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"
An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair.He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response.He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still, there was no response.Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"
She replied, "For the third time, Yes!" ------------------------------------------------------
An old man says to the doctor: Doctor, I lost my memory!
Doctor: When did this start?
The old man: When did what start!
An old man says to the doctor: Doctor, I lost my memory!
Doctor: When did this start?
The old man: When did what start!
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Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system. Beware of . . .
- THE CLINTON Virus... (Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
- THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus... (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
- THE LEWINSKY virus... (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)
- THE RONALD REAGAN virus... (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
- THE MIKE TYSON virus... (Quits after two bytes)
- THE OPRAH WINFREY virus... (Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to stabilize around 200MB)
- THE JACK KAVORKIAN virus... (Deletes all old files)
- THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus... (Disks can no longer be inserted)
- THE PROZAC virus... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)
- THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus... (Only attacks minor files)
- THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)
- THE LORENA BOBBITT virus... (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)
Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system. Beware of . . .
THE CLINTON Virus... (Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus... (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
THE LEWINSKY virus... (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)
THE RONALD REAGAN virus... (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
THE MIKE TYSON virus... (Quits after two bytes)
THE OPRAH WINFREY virus... (Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to stabilize around 200MB)
THE JACK KAVORKIAN virus... (Deletes all old files)
THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus... (Disks can no longer be inserted)
THE PROZAC virus... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)
THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus... (Only attacks minor files)
THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)
THE LORENA BOBBITT virus... (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)
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Bill Clintons book went on sale today at long last.Earlier today hundreds of people waited outside of Barnes and Noble in the pouring rain for a chance to meet Bill Clinton.When asked if she minded the rain,one woman said, Im meeting Bill Clinton. I just assumed my dress would get ruined.
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