A blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a vicar, a priest, a rabbi,
two giraffes and a duck, a farmer, a lawyer, an accountant,
a Mexican, an Indian, a Chinaman, an Irishman, an Englishman,
a Polish guy, and a Scotsman walked into a bar.
The bartender said, "Hang on a minute, is this some sort of joke?"
Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter. First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny." Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."
In Sweden, the Swedish Heisenberg society have meetings every second tuesday or at the Royal Science Society.I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov'sDog and Schrodingers Cat ?Shesaid it rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there ofnot.That is funny. I wonder how many really understand thejoke?It would be really funny if the librarian's name wasHeisenberg, wouldn't it? xDWell she was uncertain of the availability of the book.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty.
"Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty.
"Who's been eating my Porridge?!!," he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,
"For Heavens sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the table, it was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box,and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-butts downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE @@@@@@@ PORRIDGE YET !!"
At the evening performance, the head usher at the Metropolitan Opera House was quite surprised. During an intermission, one middle aged lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"
The usher didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.
At the end of the nights performance in an area close to the first complaint, a second little lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!"
This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon.
A few guests had remained in the opera house, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on. He found one old man crawling along the opera house floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him.
"Excuse me, sir, can I help you?"
A bald Donald Trump looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it.
I thought I'd found it twice, but they were both parted in the middle...and mine's parted on the side!"
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