Bob, an undertaker, recently came homewith a black eye."What happenedto you?" askedhis wife."I had a terrible day." replied Bob . "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said theycouldn't get himinto a body bag because he had this huge erection.Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy lyingon the bed with this huge erection.So I grabbed it with both handsand tried to snap it in half.""I see" said his wife, "that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?"Bobreplied:"Wrong room."
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic, "It died." After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor. " She says, "How often do I have to do that?"
A big mouth college
student challenged a senior citizen saying it was impossible for their generation
to understand his world.
"You grew up in a different world," the student said.
"Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy,
computers, the internet..."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the senior said,
"You're right sonny." "We didn't have those things when we were
young... so we invented them!"
An elderly man driving erratically was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
An old man was sitting on a bench
at the mall.
A young man walked up and sat
down next to him.
He had spiked hair in different
colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow.
The old man just stared at him.
The young man
turned to him and said sarcastically,
"What's the
matter, Old Timer, never done anything wild in your
life?"
Without batting an eye, the
old man replied,
"Got drunk once and had sex
with a parrot.
I was just wondering if you
were my son."
A priest and a rabbi are skinny dipping, when a busload of nuns stops between the stream and their clothes. All they have are their hats, so when they run across the road, the priest covers up his privates, and the rabbi covers up his face.
After reaching their clothes in the bushes, the priest asks "Why didn't you cover your privates?"
And the Rabbi responds "I don't know about your congregation, but mine recognizes my face."
A boy who was a witness to a crime was on the witness stand in
court.
He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, "Did anyone
tell you what to say in court?"
"Yes, sir," answered the boy.
"I thought so," said the
attorney. "Who was it?"
"My father, sir."
"And what did he tell you?" the attorney asked accusingly.
"He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but
if I stuck to the truth, everything would be all right."
A linguistics professor decided to spice up his lecture by
comparing languages to mathematics.
As he
scribbled examples on the board, he explained how both math and
languages had positives and negatives.
In
both math and language, two negatives, when combined, make a
positive.
However," he droned on, "in math or
language two positives never make a negative.
From the back row of the room one student sighed, "Yeah,
right."
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