Sandy then says "Give me another double whisky before the fight starts" The Barman gives him a double whisky, and Sandy drinks it... and says "Give me another double whisky before the fight starts" He repeats this six times. Then, the Barman becoming curious asks him "What fight?" Then Sandy replies drunkenly "I've no money!"
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
Two men sitting in a bar drinking... a lot.
As they are sitting there drinking away, one man turns to the other and
says, "I have got to get out of here! I need to go home & tear my wife's
panties off!"
The other man looks at him with confusion and replies, "Well, what in
the world just made you think of that?"
"Because," replies the guy, "they are too damn tight & they are cutting
off my circulation!"
A pub landlord advertises for a new barmaid and receives applications from three candidates who are all equally suitable for the job. He calls them all in to see him and at the end of each interview he asks each one the same question. "If you were cleaning the bar once it was closed for the night and found ten pounds on the floor, what would you do with it?" The first candidate replies: "I'd place the money in the till. You've been good enough to give me a job and I'm happy with my wage. The money's yours." The second candidate replies: "I would place the money in the till and take five pounds out for myself. That way we are splitting the money, and that's only fair." The third candidate replies: "I would keep the money. It's a perk of doing such a menial job and, as such, it is my right to keep any money I find."
Question: So which one got the job? Answer: The one with the biggest breasts.
Three expatriates are drinking in a NY City bar.
"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's.The landlord goes out of his way for the locals.When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth.
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local pub in London, the Red Lion,the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, themoment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all thedrinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take youupstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
The Irishman swore every word was true.
"Did this actually happen to you?" they asked.
"No not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,
"but it did happen tome sister quite a few times."
Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten.
Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either.
So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him.
As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'".
Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell ARE you?".
Too that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned old fool".
To which Flaherty remarked,
"Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."
Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day , he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.
The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."
She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"
"I don't think so," said the foreman: "He got out three times to go to the men's room.
A man is sitting in a bar drinking a beer when a young lady walks up and says "So what are you drinking?" The man replies casually "Magic beer" and the lady asks "What kind of magic beer?" "What's so special about it?!?" says the man. He proceeds to get up and flies around the room 3 times and sits back down. The lady snaps "I bet you couldn't do that again even if your life depended on it!" So he gets up and flies around the room 3 more times. The lady says "I'll have what he's having!" She chugs it down and goes to the roof and jumps - falling to her death. The bartender looks at the man sitting at the bar and says "Superman, you're a jerk when your drunk."
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