Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland's top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom.The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now my friends, what does this tell us?"Jock piped up, "If you drink whisky you'll not be bothered by worms!"
A magician is hired for a gig on a cruise ship. Everytime he tries a magic trick the captains parrot ruins the trick by telling the crowd how he is doing it. There is nothing he can do because the parrot belongs to the captain.
A few days later the ship sinks. The magician is floating on a piece of wood alone expect for the parrot. They float for days without talking, no food or water, eyeing each other coldly. Finally the parrot gives in, OK, I give up. How did you make the ship disappear?
A Scotsman paying his first visit to a zoo stopped by one of the cages "An' whut animal would that be ?" he asked the keeper. "Thats a moose from Canada", came the reply. "A moose !!", exclaimed the Scotsman. "Hoots, mon, if that's a moose then they must ha' rats the size of elephants over there !"
Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"
The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"
"I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.
"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American.
He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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