A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment had passed, they both managed to fall asleep - the woman on the top bunk, and the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leaned over the edge of the bunk and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, Sir, but I am terribly cold and was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket?"
The man looked up with a glint in his eye and said, "I've got a better idea... why don't we pretend we're married?" "Why not?!" giggled the woman. "Good," he replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"
Emily Sue passed away and Billy-Bob called 911. The 911 Operator told Billy-Bob that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Billy-Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Billy-Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
A West Virginia Moutaineers fan and a Pittsburgh Panthers fan were driving along when all of a sudden the West Virginia fan slams on the brakes.
There was a sheep with her head stuck in the fence and the West Virginia fan said "We Mountaineers never pass up an opportunity like this!" And he gets out and has his way with the sheep.
Then he says to the Pittsburgh fan, "Your turn"...
And the Panthers fan bends over and sticks his head in the fence.
Janet was a first time contestant on the $65,000 television quiz show. So far, luck was on her side since she had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She had even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.
Janet agreed to return the following day and was extremely nervous as her husband drove them home.
"I just have to win tomorrow," she said, "I really wish I knew what the answer is! You realize I'm not going to be able to sleep at all tonight and will probably look horrible tomorrow."
"Relax, honey," her husband, Robert, said reassuringly. "Everything's going to be fine."
Minutes after they arrived home, Robert grabbed the car keys and started to head out the door. "Where are you going?" Janet asked.
"I have one small errand to run," Robert replied. "I should be back soon."
After an agonizing two hour absence, Robert returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" he said.
"You did?" Janet cried excitedly. "Quick, tell me!" "OK. The question is, 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is: 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'" Robert said.
The couple then went to sleep with Janet, now feeling more confident and at ease, falling into a deep slumber. However, at 3:00 in the morning, Janet was shaken awake by Robert who was aksing her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart and the penis," Janet groggily replied before returning to sleep. Robert asked her again in the morning, this time as she was brushing her teeth. Once again, Janet gave the correct answer.
So it was that Janet was once again on the set of the quiz show. Although she knew the question and answer, she could still feel butterflies in her stomach. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous day's events, faced Janet and asked the big question.
"Janet," he said, "for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."
"Ummm, uhhhh, the head?" she said.
"Very good. Six seconds."
"Hmmm, uhhh, the heart?" Janet said, shaking nervously.
"Very good! Four seconds."
"I, ummm, ohhhh darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning... "
"That's close enough!" said the show's host. "CONGRATULATIONS!"
A man walked into a bar one evening, evoking a gasp from all who were there.
The man's head was extremely undersized in relation to his body. He seemed to
not be bothered by it at all. He spent great sums of money in the bar treating
all the guests to several rounds. The bartender struck up a conversation with
the disfigured man and at last the subject came around to the mans deformity.
He relayed this story: One day, I was out hunting and came upon the strangest
sight I had ever beheld. There was this extremely beautiful winged woman pinned
under the fallen branch of a tree. I immediately removed the large branch
freeing her. She told me she was a fairy and that for saving her she would
grant me three wishes. I wished for all the money I could ever want and a large
house. I was having trouble coming up with the third wish when I looked her up
and down and said my third wish was to have hours of passionate sex with her.
She said that it was not possible. Trying to compromise, I asked if my third
wish could be to just simply grope around on her body for a while. She said
that too was impossible. She further stated that I could not touch her but that
she could touch me. The idea immediately sprang into my mind but my choice of
words was my undoing, "How about a little head?!"
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