New Boots
An old farmer went out and bought a new pair of boots.
He got home and tried to get his old lady to notice them, but she didn't. So he went in the bedroom, took off all his clothes, and came out wearing only the new boots.
"Notice anything?", He said.
"All I can see is a limp dick". She replied.
"Yes, but look at what its pointing at, My new boots". He said.
"Huh" she replied, "Then you should have bought a new hat"!
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everythinginside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
The fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable!"
A guy goes to the doctor because he can't get any women to have sex with him since he'sa little too well-endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long. Anyway the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help.
The witch takes a look at his problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you, and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter." Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes to the forest.
He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog. The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No!" The guy looks down, and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey this is great, he thinks, let's try this again. "Will you marry me?" he asks the frog. The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!" Now he's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect.
So he calls across again, "Will you marry me?" The frog yells back, "Look, how many times do I have to tell you, NO, NO, NO!"
A local zoo has just received a prized female silverback gorilla. However, there are no male silverbacks for her. The zookeeper notices she has begun to grow angry and try to grab customers. After some research, the zookeeper determines the gorilla is in heat.
One day, he approaches the redneck janitor with an offer.
Would you have sex with that gorilla for $500?
The redneck janitor says:
Yes, under 3 conditions.
Condition 1, she cant kiss me.
Condition 2, you cant tell anyone.
The zookeeper agrees to these conditions, but asks the janitor what the third is.
The janitor replies:
You might have to give me some time to come up with the $500.
Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions.
The first guy says his favorite position is the "rodeo."
The other guy asks what the position is, and how to do it?
The first guy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear, 'Your sister likes this position, too...' Then try to hang on for 8 seconds."
A young man from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager asks. "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." After talking a little more, the manager takes a liking to the kid and gives him a job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close, and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was closed, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One". The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.00" The boss's eyes bug out and he says, "$101,237.00? What the hell did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well this guy came in and first I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook, and a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down the coast. So I told him he was gonna need a boat, and we went down to the boat dept. and I sold him that new twin-engine Chris Craft. The he said he didn't think his little Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him over to the automotive dept. and sold him a new 4X4 SUV."
The boss says, "Wait a minute. A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?"
The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said,
'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing!!!"
A fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.
Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive only some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."
A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's
garden.
"I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to
a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.
"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."
The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies
for that one?"
"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."
"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the
farmer's hand. "I'll pick it up in about a week."
Jock & Jimmy were walking along a street in London.
Jock looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.
The sign read, "Suits 5.00 each, Shirts 2.00 each, trousers 2.50 per pair".
Jock said to his pal, "Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of these and when we get back to Scotland we could make a fortune.
Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think we are cheap Scotsmen and try to screw us. I'll put on my best London accent".
"OK Jock, I'll keep me mouth shut" said Jimmy
They go in and Jock said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at 5.00 each, 100 shirts at 2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at 2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load them on, old chap!
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Scotland, aren't you?"
"Well yes," said a surprised Jock. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners........" !
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