I told a barmaid I could guess the day she was born on just by feeling her breasts.
"Really?" she said. "Go on then...try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling, she began to lose patience.
"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"
I took my hands from her boobs and replied, "Yesterday?
Another day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit.
Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a
piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about."
"Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher,
wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered
"An apple."
"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking.
Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and
brownish.
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get
the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and
calls on Billy.
Is it a peach?"
"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your
thinking.
Here's another: it's long, yello, and fairly hard."
By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand
frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.
"A banana," she says.
"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your
thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly.
"Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in
my pocket.
Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it's got a head on
it."
"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"
"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your
thinking!
I am passing this on to you because it was passed on to me and has definitely worked for me. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found Inner Peace.
It read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."
I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn't finished...
So far today I have finished half a bottle of vodka, a quarter bottle of red wine,
half a bottle of Scotch, some Valium, most of a box of chocolates and 5 beers.
You have no idea how good I feel.
You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace.
I was in a pub last night and I was seated near two rather large girls at the bar.
They both had strange accents so I said, "Hello, are you two girls from Scotland?"
One of them screamed..."It's Wales you fucking idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"
I was in a pub last night and I was seated near two rather large girls at the bar. They both had strange accents so I said, "Hello, are you two girls from Scotland?" One of them screamed..."It's Wales you fucking idiot!" So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"
RONTFLMSO
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date.
Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said,
"I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
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