A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. The husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow slightly larger every day over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?"
Mrs. And Mr. Smith were asleep one night when the phone starts ringing.
Mrs. Smith picks up the phone, listens for a few seconds, and says, How the hell should I know, its 100 miles away. and slams down the phone.
Mr Smith asks his wife, Who was that?
Mrs. Smith responds, Some crazy lady. She wanted to know if the coast was clear.
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.He looked at her for a while then said, YoureA, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.She asks What does that mean?He said, Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.She smiled happily and said Oh, thats so lovely What about I, J, K?He said, Im Just Kidding!The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
OK I just finished laughing and caught my breath. TOOOOO FUNNY!!
Jake was on his deathbed. His wife, Becky was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand; tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Becky," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh.... don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess, " replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother." "I know", answered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
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