A Married Couple
I hope this one is appropriate here, but I first heard it on one my local radio stations.
The wife was putting her lingerie in the washer when the husband came up andsuggested she put Slim Fast in the wash water. When she asked him why, he said that it might make her butt look smaller.
The next day the husband was getting dressed for work. He went into his dresser and found talcum powder all over his underwear. Confused, he asked his wife why there was talcum powder all over his underwear. She then said, " Oh that's not talcum powder, it's MIRACLE GROW!"
How do you know if you're in love, lust, or marriage?
LOVE when your eyes meet across a crowded room
LUST when your tongues meet across a crowded room
MARRIAGE when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care
LOVE when intercourse is called making love
LUST all other times
MARRIAGE what's intercourse?
LOVE when you argue over how many children to have
LUST When you argue over who gets the wet spot
MARRIAGE when you argue over money
LOVE when you share everything you own
LUST when you think twice about giving your partner bus money
MARRIAGE when the bank owns everything
LOVE when it doesn't matter if you don't climax
LUST when the relationship is over if you don't climax
MARRIAGE what's a climax?
LOVE when you phone each other just to say "Hi"
LUST when you phone each other just to organize sex
MARRIAGE when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts
LOVE when you write poems about your partner
LUST when all you write is your phone number
MARRIAGE when all you write are check's
LOVE when you show concern for your partners' feelings
LUST when you couldn't give a rip
MARRIAGE when your only concern is what's on TV
LOVE when your farewell is "I love you darling"
LUST when your farewell is "So, same time next week?"
MARRIAGE when your farewell is silent
LOVE when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner
LUST when you only ever see each other in the bedroom
MARRIAGE when you never see each other awake
LOVE when your heart flutters every time you see them
LUST when your groin twitches every time you see them
MARRIAGE when your wallet empties every time you see them
LOVE when nobody else matters
LUST when nobody else knows
MARRIAGE when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows
LOVE when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel
LUST when it's just the same mushy old crap
MARRIAGE when you never listen to music
LOVE when breaking up is something you try not to think about
LUST when staying together is something you try not to think about
MARRIAGE when just getting through today is your only thought
LOVE when you're interested in everything your partner does
LUST when you're only interested in one thing
MARRIAGE when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score
A young Amish man had just married his lovely bride. As a gift, he was given a horse and buggy. The couple rode off happily until a passing car spooked the horse. The horse bolted down the road... When the man finally calmed the horse down, and got it back under control, he yelled, "THAT'S ONE!
"They continued traveling down the road, when a barking dog again spooked the horse. The horse bolted down the road... Again, the man was able to stop the horse. Angered, he yelled "THAT'S TWO!"
The couple rode peacefully until the horse was spooked by a hunter's gunshot in the distance. The horse madly bolted from the sound, running across two lanes of traffic, into a field. Furious, the man yelled, "THAT'S THREE!" He went to the back of the buggy, pulled out his rifle, and shot the horse cleanly between it's eyes...
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" His wife began raving hysterically. "WHY EVER DID YOU DO THAT, IT WAS A GOOD HORSE!! WE COU--" The man cut in, stopping his wife's yelling. "THAT'S ONE!"
*The Dog *
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. "Whose funeral is it?" "My wife's." ''What happened to her?" The man replied, "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men. "Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied, "Get in line."
*The Dog * A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. "Whose funeral is it?" "My wife's." ''What happened to her?" The man replied, "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men. "Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied, "Get in line."
HAHAHAHAH Brilliant.....love it
Thanks!
My wife did not think it would be a classic though! Thank goodness, she is a keeper after almost 49 years together!
Husband arrives home from the golf course with a big smile on his face. Wife asks him why he's looking so happy, he replies " I just got my very first hole in one, it's a great feeling." His wife looked at him and said, " It's a pity you can't manage to do that in the bedroom. "
I heard this! I am not this foolish!
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds..'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will
this take?' I ask.
They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.
I stop. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your 'butt', didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Stupid, stupid man.
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