An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette-sprinkled cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom. With even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame and gazed into the kitchen.
Were if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette-sprinkled cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted, meticulous and organized love of his Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......
"Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."
For all of you in education, with sons, grandsons, or who just
love the things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often
taken literally.....
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been
circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to
telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his
'private part' hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.
'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon,
she'd come and pick me up from school.
Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. 'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.'
Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.
Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER #1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER # 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER #3:
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol
Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad. 'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said. Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.
LETTER # 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO
divPolice Dept. Applicant Test /div
div/div
div/div
divA man, having applied to join the, police force, is being interviewed. /div
div/div
divThe Chief says, 'your qualifications are first-class but there is one test that you must pass before I can recruit you.' /div
div/div
divSliding a small bag across the desk, he continues, 'Take this gun with 13 bullets, and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six Obama delegates and a rabbit.' /div
div/div
divThe man asks, 'Why the rabbit?' /div
div/div
div'Fantastic attitude!' says the Chief, 'When can you start?'/div
div/div
Canadian Women
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given
their new wives duties.
Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told
his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that
needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the
third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
Jimmie had married a woman from Australia. He bragged that he had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the
cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results,
but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean,
the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Canadian girl. He boasted that he told
her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn
mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see
anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.
God Bless Canadian
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips of Meridian , Mississippi , was going up to bed, when
his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which
she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go
turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing
things.
He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' He said
'No.' Then they said 'All patrols were busy. You should lock your doors
and an officer will be along when one is available.'
George said, 'Okay.' He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he
phoned the police again.
'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them
now because I just shot them.' and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two
Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'
residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said
to George, 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'
George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'
I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people!
Two old drunks
Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says:
Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.
By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard.
By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about twenty degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand.
"So, says the second drunk, "what's your point?"
"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get! "
A couple of blonde jokes:
Q. How do blonde brain cells die?
A. Alone.
Q. How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A. You write, "please turn over" on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q. Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?
A. To see what was on the other side.
A homeless bloke was stumbling through the woods, totally wasted, when he lurched down a bank into a river where a preacher was baptising people.
He floated towards the preacher, who took it as a sign from above and asked the bum, Are you ready to find Jesus?"
"Yes, I am," slurred the drunk.
The preacher grabbed the back of his head, dunked him in the water, then pulled him up and asked, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I haven't found Jesus," the boozed-up fella replied.
Shocked at the answer, the preacher dunked him into the water again for a little longer, pulled him out and asked again, "Have you found Jesus now, brother?"
Again the bum answered, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher was at his wits end so he held the bum's head underwater until he started flailing his arms about. "Now, for the love of God, brother, have you found Jesus?" demanded the preacher.
The drunk wiped his eyes, caught his breath and said, "No - are you sure this is where he fell in?"
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