My Daily Jokes
I was a member of Nudistspace and for those of you who are from there, youmay remember me having a blog titled the "Joke of the day". While it got off to a slow start, it did become rather popular (lol...much to my surprise). Basically, I get hundreds and hundreds of joke e-mails, so being the sharing guy that I am, I'll post them here. So, I'll be continuing that tradition here and please, feel free to add what you wish.
font size="2"On their wedding night, the young bride Jodie, approached her new Husband Marvin and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, Marvin readily agreed. Thisscenario was repeated each time they made love, for more Than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find Marvin in avery drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that CalTrans was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he hadbeen let go.It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid Anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.Calmly, Jodie handed him a bank book which showed more than Thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, Marvin was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my Business!
That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their Mouths shut.
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Good one Swifty and right on time considering the financial ruin this country is facing at the moment. Hopefuly we'll know when to keep our mouths shut when the time is right. LOL
LOL! Thanks mate and the economic problems you guys are facing didn't even enter my mind, but I can see it now. lol
I guess I should've said this is my work daily joke thread, as all my jokes are on my work e-mail and can only add to it during the work day. Yeah, yeah, I'm a slack worker.
lol...No worries about going off topic, as it really is on topic with the joke in a roooound about way. ;) I don't know, considering my own financial mess, I can't give the government too much grief over theirs. ;)
Anyways, back to the jokes!
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p class="EC_EC_MsoNormal"span class="EC_EC_ececapple-converted-space"font face="Times New Roman" size="4"[size= 13.5pt] [/size]/font/spanfont size="4"[size= 13.5pt]If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired![/size]/font
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p class="EC_EC_MsoNormal"span class="EC_EC_ececapple-converted-space"font face="Times New Roman" size="4"[size= 13.5pt] [/size]/font/spanfont size="4"[size= 13.5pt]The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.[/size]/font
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p class="EC_EC_MsoNormal"font face="Times New Roman" size="4"[size= 13.5pt]The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.[/size]/font
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p class="EC_EC_MsoNormal"font face="Times New Roman" size="4"[size= 13.5pt]The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his out stretched hands to his toes,He walked out with $96,000.[/size]/font
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p class="EC_EC_MsoNormal"font face="Times New Roman" size="4"[size= 13.5pt]The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief [/size]/fontfont face="Times New Roman" size="4"[size= 13.5pt]who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."[/size]/font
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p class="EC_EC_MsoNormal"font face="Times New Roman" size="4"[size= 13.5pt]It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by [/size]/fontfont face="Times New Roman" size="4"[size= 13.5pt]a medical officer.[/size]/font
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p class="EC_EC_MsoNormal"font face="Times New Roman" size="4"[size= 13.5pt]The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," [/size]/fontfont face="Times New Roman" size="4"[size= 13.5pt]which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.[/size]/font
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p class="EC_EC_MsoNormal"font face="Times New Roman" size="4"[size= 13.5pt]"Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"[/size]/font
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p class="EC_EC_MsoNormal"font face="Times New Roman" size="4"[size= 13.5pt]The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."[/size]/font
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lol...Well, guess I can't copy and paste everything now, can I? Unfortuantely for me, this joke is a good one, so I will type it out manually. Sorry folks, please bear with me as I'm still trying to figure this site out, including all it's funny little quirks. ;)
Retirement Bonus
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his out stretched hands to his toes, he walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."
It was suggest by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old CHief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to, "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.
"Dear Lord!" he suddenly explaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the street with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you dressed like this?'
The Cowboy says:
'Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt so I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to take off my pants ... so I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts .. so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy... ', and here I am.'
Son of a Gun, Blond Men do exist.
PECANS IN THE CEMETERY
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree,
out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,'said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.
As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.
He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me.
One for you, one for me.'
He just knew what it was.
He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard!
Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.
' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me.
One for you, one for me.'
The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth.
Let's see if we can see the Lord.'
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter
as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me.
That's all.
Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
SMILE, IT'S GOOD FOR YOU!
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