The Anti-Nudists Pocket Guide

Found this on the web and thought it was too funnybut then I love satirical humor. Actually satire is an effective way to point out just how ludicrous is the opinions of those who oppose nudism.



The Anti-Nudists Pocket Guide
By Reginald Crumpet


As any sane person realizes, Nudism is the manifestation of a diseased mind. It should be shunned at all costs. To maintain Godly order, clothes should be worn at all times, even while showering, participating in conjugal activities or visiting the toilet (body socks, specially made with fanny flaps, are available at our online store).


As upstanding citizens it is also our responsibility to guide others in their actions. If one or more or our community strays from the straight and narrow, choosing to scandalize the public by baring their naughty bits and prancing about like some great flipping codfish, swift and decisive action is necessary.


When encountering a person with Nudist tendencies in a public place, the good citizen has a number of considered options at his disposal. Please study the following list carefully and procure the necessary provisions. Remember your scout training: always be prepared!


The Terrycloth Solution


A mid-sized towel can be an invaluable tool in the fight against nudism. Carry it in a purse or shoulder bag. When a perpetrator is spotted, quickly wind the towel, wet the end and make chase. A few well-placed snaps to the buttocks will send a firm, disapproving message.


The Rash Decision



For those Nudists who enjoy letting it all hang out in the public parks, a can of itch powder liberally applied to park benches will offer an amusing spectacle, all but guaranteeing an abbreviated visit.


The Sticky Wicket


Another fine weapon in the Anti-nudist's arsenal is the pocket-size can of spray glue. It can be hidden in a fold of clothing and delivered from a distance. A few quick bursts to the cheeks will render them as one, making for a quick, if uncomfortable jog home.


Man's Best Friend


Musk can also be a valuable commodity in the fight against clotheslessness. We all know our canine friends have a propensity to sniff in the most embarrassing places. The Nudist, who has already chosen to make his private parts freely available to the sniffing community, is all the more irresistible when doused with bear grease in strategic places. Nothing warms the heart more than the sight of a naked person bounding down the street with a pack of dogs in hot pursuit.


And Finally, Repartee


Most Nudists are secretly insecure about their bodies. In an effort to conquer that insecurity, they reveal all, daring the world to disapprove. Rather than show any evidence of disgust, it is best to simply approach the culprit in the most genial way possible and engage them in conversation.


While keeping things friendly, you may occasionally comment on a Nudist's exposed portions in less than favorable ways as a means of striking at the heart of his insecurity. For example, referring to a fellow's manhood as, "Thumbelina," "Tater Tot" or "Chicklet" may hit a nerve. Other effective quips might include: "My, it must be cold out here!," "Excuse me, can I borrow your pencil eraser?," and "Hey, aren't you John Wayne Bobbit?"


Similar effects can be achieved by referring to the female Nudist's upper region as "Pancakes," "Knee Slappers," or "Tetherballs."


Remember, if given their way, unclothed scallywags such as those recently witnessed in the streets of Brattleboro would reduce society to a band of filthy, flea picking degenerates, possibly approaching the condition of the U.S. Congress. It is your duty as clothes wearing citizens to resist this scourge by all means possible!


Carry on.


Note: This piece is offered as satire. The author does not intend to incite any form of violence against filthy, naked degenerates.

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