Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named Leroy
***Edit*** This did not actually happen to me it is a joke.
Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in Texas: to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment; and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer, and therefore known and adored by all. Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
LEROY: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
LEROY: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler. After a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will not pick a fight with her.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down The Barn Chili:
JUDGE ONE: Excellent Firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
LEROY: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a freakin' Uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift"
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
LEROY: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled....it's kinda cute.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
LEROY: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The Contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
LEROY: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a lot of distress.
LEROY: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point.
Good, at my autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it is too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I am not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I have found a super nova on my tongue.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
LEROY: Momma??!!
Two points:
1. Never believe anyone who says the chilli won't be that hot.
2. Since this is TN, there is an obvious solution to getting chilli on your clothes. Protecting sensitive areas, however... Hopefully nothing needed scratching.
;-)
I think it was the late Vine Deloria, a Native American writer and activist, who told of a chili cooking contest at a gathering of North American tribes. Each tribal entrant cooked the hottest chili he could, just to see if the other entrants would admit that it was indeed the hottest of the group. Nobody did, of course, and it was interesting to see a guy say "Oh, that's not so hot" while the tears were streaming down his cheeks.
As an Aussie, I'm now reminded of an incident in the radio commentary box at the cricket where visiting commentator Harsha Bhogle challenged local commentator and raconteur Kerry O'Keeffe to try a Naga chilli on air during play. It got to the point that the surrounding crowd started cheering for the chilli consumption, leaving the players wondering what the fuss in the grandstand was about. The audio's on YouTube if you wish to relieve this unique intersection of sport, broadcasting, chilli and humour.
Many years ago while visiting southern Mississippi with a fellow group of college students, I was invited (along with others in the group) to visit a local Mexican restaurant. It seemed like a fun activity and this South Georgia boy wanted to tag along. Did I mention Georgia, or the fact that I had never even seen a Mexican restaurant in my hometown in the 70s? Off we went to enjoy the flavor of the town. After we had been seated & were engaged in conversation, the topic turned to Georgia folks not knowing about hot food. Of course I had no clue about hot food any more than the others had ever heard of grits! It didnt matter, the challenge had been laid down and yours truly was about to take center stage. After a few questions about the food (we had not yet ordered) I inquired about the group of peppers sitting in the basket in the middle of the table. I was informed they were to add to our food to get it spicy. I couldnt resist*which one is the hottest?* I couldnt help but ask. I was informed the short green one on the left. I nonchalantly picked it up with my fingers & stuck it in my mouth. The looks around the table were priceless disbelief as I ever so slowly chewed it up, savored the flavor for a moment & then swallowed it. The table went crazy! I waited a few moments before casually having a drink of water and looking around. My mouth was on fire but I had saved the day for my home state. Glory, glory to old Georgia!
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