"You seem to be in some distress," said the kindly judge to the witness."Is anything the matter?"
"Well, yourHonor," said the witness, "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth,
but every time I try, some lawyer objects."
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, You're beautiful! and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said You're cute! Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of beautiful it was cute. She said What happened to beautiful? His reply was The drugs are wearing off!
Having many legal problems, including
a divorce, a man had become thoroughly disgusted with lawyers in general.
One
evening in a bar, the conversation got around to his pet peeve and he started
venting his frustrations.
"All lawyers are jerks!" he
loudly proclaimed.
Another man nearby heard this, looked disturbed, and sauntered over to
him.
"Look, I heard what you said, and I am highly offended by it."
"Why is that -- are you a lawyer?" he asked.
"No, I'm not; I'm a jerk!"
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing
lawyers.
"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you,
with a bribe."
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
"You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000.
And you, attorney Campos,
gave me $10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and
pulled out a check.
He handed it to Leon. Now then, I'm returning
$5,000,
and we're going to decide this case solely on its
merits.
A defense
attorney was cross-examining a Chicago police officer during a felony trial --
it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the
offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you
trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer -- do you have a locker
room in the police station -- a room where you change your clothes in
preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life,
that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those
same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes
lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
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